Finding My Way : Sexual Preference?

This posting is none other than my trying to get back on my feet again in life. For those who know me well enough, you know how very much I like the male gender and how much they are able to affect my life.

All my life, I have encountered many males from different shapes, sizes, ethics, cultures and races. I got to thinking the other day,"Why should I always let myself suffer so much pain because of men?"

After some enlightening thoughts from friends about turning to the other side, maybe it is not such a bad idea afterall. This is merely because of my one love that has shattered my heart and I don't think I am able to fall in love with a man again for a long time.

Will the females instead, be able to change my mind? Will they be able to make me fall in love again? The thought about being in a relationship with the person of the same gender was no different than being in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex? I wondered about the consequences about switching over. Would my friends cast me aside just because I don't prefer people of the opposite sex anymore? Would I only have friends who are gay and not straight? Would I be able to be straight again? Will I ever be able to trust men again?

This thought of confusion has made me think of many scenarios, like if I were to be able to fit in with the rest of the people back at home. Will they be able to accept me for who I have become? Will I be able to have a domestic partner of the same sex that the neighbours will be able to accept?

Besides, what does it matter if I do end up with a male or a female? I've gotten my heart broken so badly that I have closed the doors to love and hope so it makes no difference in the gender. For those who have any comments about my future sexual preference, please leave me a comment or two to let me know what you all think.

Finding My Way : Another Stab To The Heart

Yes, this may seem really dramatic of me to constantly whine about my love life but this is what has been happening to me lately. I believe that Love is the most powerful source of energy that a person could have. Love can affect everything. If you don't have love, you might as well not live anymore...what purpose is there?

Just last night I was in Colombo for a flight and spent my layover clubbing (my new drug), and drinking(another new drug) which lead to a very enlightening situation. I had one too many to drink and ended up dancing on the bar in the club with a complimentary bottle of rum from the company. As usual, I went back to my hotel and then (what I was told) I called my ex-boyfriend. Apparently I told him many things and was crying on the phone to him. I can't really recall what I said to him though, but I knew it was definetely something about how I really honestly felt for him.

When I woke up in the evening, with a massive hangover and with the ceiling spinning, I recalled speaking to my ex-boyfriend but I was not too sure if it really did happen. I called him to speak about it and he said I really did. The fear of having to hear what I had to say the night before was excruciating. Then, there it was, he dropped the news like how he would just stab a dagger into my chest, "I've been seeing someone".

My heart stopped.

Images of our relationship went flashing past my eyes, his smile, our kisses, our days of cuddling at home, our making love just two months ago.... it felt like I have just been stabbed with the dagger over and over again until I could not feel anything anymore. Could I still be friends with him since he gave up so easily and so soon? What was all the "I love you's" that has been proclaimed all about? Why the strong feelings while making love two months ago after our relationship ended? I honestly didn't know what to do.

Should I hate him? For the simple reasons for not giving us another chance? Or rather disappointed in him for not believing in love as much as I do? Should I be upset at him for replacing me with some girl he barely knows in which, just as a rebound? Why can't he take a chance on me like I did on him when he asked me to figure out what I really wanted in life?

When he told me to figure out what I really wanted in life, I was shit scared of finding out. I honestly was not prepared for what I was about to realise. After I ended our relationship earlier this year, I realised that the one thing that I was scared of was to be in a serious commitment with him. I always felt inadequate to him, inferior to him and everyone else. I was never smarter than any girl you can find in Accenture, neither am I prettier than them with their high maintenance of caing for their hair and nails or expensive suits that they wear everyday. I knew I was not good enough that was why I constantly had to prove myself everyday to everyone that I could be like them. I too could be the girl of his dreams. I tried. The things I realised made me ready for him but he chose to give up. I was too late.

He tells me that he wants to concentrate on work and not think about relationship. Next thing he tells me is that he has been seeing someone else. How was I supposed to digest that? The love of my life stabbing me ...

I guess this is the time for me to close the doors to hope and love.

Finding My Way : A Night Out With The Elite Crowd in Dubai Part 2

In my other post A Night Out With The Elite Crowd in Dubai, I mentioned that my picture would be posted on the local magazine in Dubai. Sure enough, it came out. Here's how dazzling I looked. (I'm glad to know that with all these heartache I still have not lost my sene of ego)

Finding My Way : My New Drug

Drugs are often known as substances consumed by one in order to be able to feel the high at the moment, or also to forget whatever miseries that one is facing. Often it is used by people who are depressed with the way things work out in life or also by another group of people who just want to have fun feeling the sensation of it.

Ever since my worse decision in my life which also lead to a realisation of what I wanted in life, my new designer drug was partying. The booze and the music often can be found anywhere in Dubai. From one club to another, there I was hoping I was able to forget him. Unfortunately I couldn't. Consuming more alcohol would only make me feel sick instead of the same rush I get when I see him. The nights passed, then weeks. It has turned into an addiction for me to get out there and forget all about it in the atmosphere of loud banging music and sweaty moving bodies with the stench of alcohol. Has partying become the new designer drug in town?

Has my addiction to this new 'drug' influenced my feelings for him? Honestly, no. It has done nothing. The only thing it has done is to make me forget for a short duration but it doesn't seem to be working. Was it because I was merely a recreational user and not a habitual user? Perhaps if I was a habitual user, I would be able to forget about the pain inside. Who knows, we shall see if it works.

Finding My Way : Self-distraction

My biggest step to try to move on would be moving out from my apartment in Dubai in which I had roomates from Malaysia. Everyone would think, lucky me for having placed with people from my own home-country. It's not what they think. Things weren't going as well as I hoped for it to be as, they were not really the kind of people that are like me, you know, crazy out going people who live life to the fullest.

Anyways, they were nice people, the kinds who are like, you live your life, I live mine, so stay out of it kinda people. The place had a massive kitchen, and HUGE living hall, fully equipped with all the furnitures a house needs, along with three bedrooms and four baths. As I was the most junior in the house, I was given the bathroom with no bathtub, and a leaking tap as a bonus. Days passed and soon enough, months. I didn't see them much as they were either flying or hanging out with their boyfriend.

On my first day I shifted in, I was given the tour and briefing on the house rules. Every house has to have a house rule, fair enough. So, the first thing she told me was,"If you feel like moving out with your friend, do inform us as soon as possible so we are able to epect it". Man, I just moved in and you're telling me about moving out? Ok, I shrugged the shocked look off my face. Then when we reached the living hall, she told me,"The dvd player is mine and the tv is shared between me and the other girl so feel free to use it but when we are home, just let us use it, ok?" Ok, I may have used to be working in a broadcasting station before but I'm NOT that much of a tv freak. I was under the impression she was telling me to back off from her tv. Eventually after a couple of months of observation, I realised she was indirectly telling me to BACK OFF! She was a tv chinese-kung-fu-sword-slashing-series maniac!

Everyday I was in my room spending most of my days off and free time on the Internet. I diverted most of my concentration towards buying gadgets like Gameboy Advance SP, lcd monitor/tv screen 26", brand new CPU with extra hard disk space and wireless card connection, brand new digital camera, brand new handphone, dvd player, PlayStation 2 and a minibar fridge. All these were in my room and it was more of me renting a room rather than sharing an apartment with them.

After seven months and several attempts along with countless crying nights, I have finally decided that I should move and have a healthier lifestyle. I shifted in to a smaller apartment but with a healthy roomate relationship. I am currently in one of Dubai's famous landmarks and am on the 48th floor. This building is 52 floors, by the way. It's a three-bedroom apartment which is occupied by a Tunisian-French and an Egyptian. Now, my tv, dvd player, ps2 and computer is in the living hall and i spend more time in the living hall as compared to my room. For once I felt so free.

I hung out with them more than anyone I used to when I was living in the old place. I met the neighbours, they would come over to hang out and they are very nice guys. Many party nights with my roomate and crazy sleepless nights before a flight. It is a tiring life but I guess I traded a quiet lonely one for this, crazy havoc and chaotic lifestyle.

I do still think about the heartache from time to time when I am alone at home but then I try to divert my concentration to some other things like clubbing and drinking. I try to do the things that I would advise friends to do after a heartbreaking inccident but somehow I feel as though my heart has to be made out of stone to be able to forget about it. I guess this is part of life's lessons, to be able to see how far we are able to pull through and how much heartache we are able to put up with.

Finding My Way : The truth truth

Never have I imagined that I would be the one in this disposition. It was always other people who are heartbroken who came to me for advice and a shoulder to cry on. This time, the tables were turned and it was me who was heartbroken.

When I mentioned in my previous post that my ex's friend was upset at me for breaking my ex's heart, well, this time I gave them a call and told them that it was my heart that was broken and that they should not be angry at me anymore. I guess this time we are even.

Just when you feel you have everything in your hands and because of love which would affect everything, once love is affected, everything crumbles. You feel like you have lost everything, and nothing to gain. Everything is in a mess and nobody is there for you.

I cried my heart out when I spoke to *him on the phone. I didn't know if it was more of dissapointment or upset that I was feeling towards him. Bottomline, he doesn't see us happening anymore. It made me cry even more. I cut myself and punched the bedframe, nothing seemed to hurt more than what I was feeling inside. My hands were feeling numb but my heart, it felt like it shattered to a million pieces.

I sat there, lost in a daze. Didn't know what to do next, what to say and where to go. Who knew that the great and mighty WildfirePrincess would crumble one day. And this was the day.