Finding My Way : Lost In Life
Have you ever felt where your life is spinning so fast that you can hardly see the images of people's faces clear enough to recognise them? All the people surrounding you, smiling, laughing, frowning at you but yet, you could hardly recognize the expressions on their faces?
Imagine this, you are alone, standing on the sidepath in a subway in Central London. Everyone's going on their business, rushing, walking at fast pace and shoving without even a word of "Excuse me". You are still in the same spot as you were. You know where you are at...which station and you are aware of the destination you should be going towards but then there are so many trains to take. So many people to shove aside and so many paths to take. But then again, you are unsure of whether you should take it or not.
This was how I was feeling last week. I realised I was so lost in life. I am currently surviving in a battle field. (Okay, I do realize I am living in the Middle East but then I meant metaphorically not literally) I wasn't sure if this life, in a well-paying company which has all the benefits any employee would want was what I wanted. Which comes to the question of, "what is it that I really wanted?"
I wanted a friend, someone to be there for me, instead of the usual guys who just want to get into your pants for the sake of physical pleasure and fun. I wanted someone who could be there for me in times of need. A shoulder to cry on, someone I could depend on and someone who needed me. Unfortunately these are all wishes that only one could hope for.
A couple of years ago I started to cut my arm to release all my frustrations and anger. It made me realise how the physical pain that I was able to endure was better off than the emotional pain I had to go through. The last time I cut myself was a year ago. When I was going through a massive breakdown, I had long straight hair which flowed all the way to the tip of my tailbone and lost massive weight. I survived only on KFC's dinner box which was a 3 piece chicken for 3 months. I lost 4kgs within those 3 months.
I stopped cutting my arm for a year and learned to control my temper. Recently I had another episode. Something which I am not proud of, I did it again. The feeling of adrenaline rushing through your veins when the blade pierces through the epidermise of your skin is just so stimulating. The anger would tarnish in the dead silence. Just when the blade pierces through another area of the skin, another surge of release rushed through my body.
Imagine this, you are alone, standing on the sidepath in a subway in Central London. Everyone's going on their business, rushing, walking at fast pace and shoving without even a word of "Excuse me". You are still in the same spot as you were. You know where you are at...which station and you are aware of the destination you should be going towards but then there are so many trains to take. So many people to shove aside and so many paths to take. But then again, you are unsure of whether you should take it or not.
This was how I was feeling last week. I realised I was so lost in life. I am currently surviving in a battle field. (Okay, I do realize I am living in the Middle East but then I meant metaphorically not literally) I wasn't sure if this life, in a well-paying company which has all the benefits any employee would want was what I wanted. Which comes to the question of, "what is it that I really wanted?"
I wanted a friend, someone to be there for me, instead of the usual guys who just want to get into your pants for the sake of physical pleasure and fun. I wanted someone who could be there for me in times of need. A shoulder to cry on, someone I could depend on and someone who needed me. Unfortunately these are all wishes that only one could hope for.
A couple of years ago I started to cut my arm to release all my frustrations and anger. It made me realise how the physical pain that I was able to endure was better off than the emotional pain I had to go through. The last time I cut myself was a year ago. When I was going through a massive breakdown, I had long straight hair which flowed all the way to the tip of my tailbone and lost massive weight. I survived only on KFC's dinner box which was a 3 piece chicken for 3 months. I lost 4kgs within those 3 months.
I stopped cutting my arm for a year and learned to control my temper. Recently I had another episode. Something which I am not proud of, I did it again. The feeling of adrenaline rushing through your veins when the blade pierces through the epidermise of your skin is just so stimulating. The anger would tarnish in the dead silence. Just when the blade pierces through another area of the skin, another surge of release rushed through my body.
posted by Wildfire Princess at
1:54 AM
2 Comments
