Finding My Way : To Be Or Not To Be......

After many considerations, i thought that maybe it's about time my mum knew the awful truth. My heart raced as I dialled the number of her mobile slowly on my cordless phone. I waited for the dail tone and at the same time praying that maybe her mobile would have a constant beeping sound to indicate the line being busy or perhaps a recorded message going,"We're sorry. The number that you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please try again later. Thank you." My heart skipped a beat the moment the first ring tone beeped. Oh shit, how am I supposed to break this to her? What if she decides to disown me? What if she comes all the way to Dubai and beat the living crap out of me? What if she sends me to some catholic convent to get me exorcised? What if she sends me to some monastary in Nepal and lock me there for the next 10 years? The what if's were flying through my head so fast I could barely get a grip on which she would actually do.

The worst happened. She picked up,"Hello?" The urge and the temptation to just press on the hang up button was so great that I had to hold down my thumb with my other hand. She knew it would be me as she has caller-id on her mobile. "Na? Is that you?" For the first time in my life I felt it was so difficult for my voice to come out from my throat.(Yeah, I know many of you find that hard to believe) So I diverted my thoughts on something else and asked her many questions on how things were at home with our baby brother, Oscar and also with the whole family. Just when I was about to ask the next question, she beat me to it. She asked me back,"So, what's going on in your life now?" I was dumbfounded. I didn't know how to answer her. Many thoughts about my love life flashed past my mind and I was contemplating on whether to tell her the truth. The the words just came out from my mouth. Well, I practically drooled them out,"Mum, I think I might be gay".

My palms got all sweaty and fingers were icy cold. I feared for what her response would be. I could feel butterflies floating around in my tummy and the urge of hurling was so tempting. the pause I had to wait for her reply was so long I could have just died from the suspense of waiting. Then there it was, through the phone she layed it out on me. She laughed her head off. Was this supposed to be funny? How was this news amusing? How was my sexual disorientation a hilarious thing? Personally I think it's pretty serious, don't you think?

This was my future I was talking about. Would she not want grandchildren from one of her own flesh and blood? So, by her laughing is that supposed to be a green light for me to come out of the closet? Nothing seems to shock her anymore. When my younger sister told her about her dating a Nigerian guy she flipped and now I broke the news to her about me coming out and she laughed? How was this fair?

So continuing with the conversation with my mother, she asked what other options I had in my life. I briefly told her that I was not going to get married because I only wanted to marry one person but that didn't work out so I told her that I was able to give her granchildren but from another person. Prior to my phone call to her I came up with the most brilliant idea which is I made a deal with my friend Joe* that in 5 years' time, if nobody wanted us, we'd get hitched and have kids, living like nomads around the world. So 5 years' time, when I turn ungodly 28 years old, I would have babies with this friend of mine, Joe*. We would have Punjabi+Melanau+Chinese looking babies. I assured her that our kids would look really good should they inherit his big eyes and sharp nose plus my attractive features. She was calmed by that idea.

The best part was when I suggested the idea to Joe*, the response i got from him was that he liked my mum's fruitcake and that was the reason he agreed to my idea. Strange how a girl can work her way to a man's heart through his stomach.