Finding My Way : Expectations in Life

How much should we expect in life?

How much should one expect in life? Most people would say expect the highest in everything they do. Would you agree to that? Yes? No? Maybe? Well, for me, I would not say I don't have expectations in life. Like many others, I do. For example, I expect to meet the man of my dreams and settle down with him. But the thing is, how much should I be expecting if I were to expect?

Confusing as it may sound, let me spend some time to clarify how I do the whole 'expectations' in life. In everything I do, I do not expect that much. For example, the Emirates Cabin Crew interview. I was not expecting to get it at all. Honest. I just went and see how it went and I was chosen. Some of the girl who went cried their eyes out because they didn't make it through the next round. It made me think. Should I really expect as much as they do? I guess for me it is just plain simple, the more one would expect, the lower they would get if they don't get what they expect.

Expectations of flying

What are my expectations when I start to fly? Honestly, it's pretty hard to say. Many would say they expect to have a great time with the rest of the crews and expect to have minimal work to do onboard. Should I agree with them? Well, I do expect hard work, that is working like a dog in the first month of flights but I do not expect me to know what to do in the first few flights. It is hard to say what your expectations are especially when you have never really experienced it beforehand. I was in the sauna earlier this morning and stumbled upon a lady who came in the sauna naked. Well, anyways, she started talking to me about her expectations in life. She calls Dubai her home now. She has been here for 7 years. It got me thinking, would I dare to expect to be living in Dubai for 7 years? Would it be my next home? I was afraid of expecting that because what if I don't get to spend 7 years here in Dubai? What if things in life took a sudden turn and I had to move elsewhere? Would I be more devastated because I already set my expectations to live here?

Think about it, should we expect as much as we do? Or should we save ourselves the trouble of going through the hurt and pain by not expecting as much if our goals didn't turn out as we expected it to?

Finding My Way : Consequences of Life

My Life

My life as it seems to many, is just plain simple. Happy-go-lucky girl with no problems, many friends, making most of life and no headaches at all. To those who think that way, you are so wrong! My life is full of drama. As it may seem to be filled with joy and laughter, it is all because of years of practice ; wearing a mask. Everyday I live my life by wearing a mask out the door from my house. I leave all personal feelings at home and not take them to work. Is this a healthy lifestyle to live? Not many notice it. Only a handful knows what I really have to go through.

The Happy Me

Many know me as the happy-go-lucky-girl. The crazy girl who is always loud and cheerful. How do I know all these, well, many have wrote the same things in my testimonial in friendster. Otherwise, I was verbally complemented that I am a crazy person and I should keep it up. I believe that joys and laughter can make someone's day. Sometimes, even a smile would do. Not many would expect this sort of mentality from me because they just think I am just crazy.

The Dramas

After moving to Dubai, I thought I had left all my dramas back in Malaysia. Starting a new life here, in a new city, with new environment. Who would've thought the dramas would follow me all the way here. My ex boyfriends are few of the most important people I would love to stay in contact with. Mainly because I believe that should we have not been fated together, it doesn't necessarily mean thathe doesn't deserve my friendship. Friendship means everything to me. It is basically my life. When I was younger, I never had a chance to have a close relationship with my sisters and family mainly because of my parent's divorce.The only people I had were my friends. We had close-knit relationships as we were growing up. I guess that's the main reson as to why I have problems with emotions when I loose a friend.

The Pen-Pal

When I was 13, I started building a close relatioship with this boy, John* who was a friend of my sister's. We were mostly chatting on the Internet chat room or we would talk on the phone. Not long after he graduated high school, he left for another country. Of course I was devastated. He was the only person I could ever confide all my personal feelings to throughtout the years and suddenly after 3 years, he had to go. The day he was about to leave, he was supposed to hand me something and coincidently it was Valentine's Day. I waited and waited at the place he said. He never came. I called John and he said to check my mailbox at home. When I did, I found a small red box with a small tube of perfume, lotion and a handmade friendship band with my name on it. That friendship band was given to him by me for his birthday the year before. In the box also conained a note stating that the friendship band is to be returned the next time we meet; it symbolises our friendship. As the years go by, John and I would converse via email, telephone and also via snail mail.
Until one day when me and John's best friend, Andy* started going out. When John found out about it, he was furious and somehow or rather he mentioned he was happy for us. At that moment in time, Andy couldn't face the fact that I went out with so many guys before and was upset so he decided to ask some advice from John since both me and John knew each other for so long. Instead, John reffered to me as a slut. When I found out that Andy actually agreed to that I was furious! Like excuse me for trying to find love when I was younger. That was the bomb for me. I just had to go. Immediately I left Andy because it was nothing I could have posssibly forgive someone for. After the relationship with Andy, i had decided not to keep in contact with John anymore as to what he said about me has really hurt my feelings. Could you possibly imagine, a friend who has been sharing your life growing up together just comes to a conclusion stating that you are a slut instead of understanding all those years of conversing through mails in addition based on his anger that me and his best friend went out together. Not so many days ago he confessed that he did had a crush on me during high school and was dissapointed that neither me nor Andy told him that we were seeing each other. Did this give him a right to angry at me and vent out his anger on me cause I went out with his best friend? He mentioned he stopped caring for me because I was not the same sensitive person as before. The only reason to that was because I was being realistic.

The Ex : Andy*

After me and Andy broke up, he was devastated that he tried shutting me out. I didn't want to loose him as a friend. I still cared for him. I tried calling him to keep in contact but it was no more than a one way conversation with him only answering,"Umm, Yeah, No, Eh, Ah". Yes, it was like I was talking to someone with speech disorder but sigh, that was what I had to put up with. For those who know me really well, you know how short my temper is. I could have just cut him off and said,"Fuck you, you stupid fucker, here I am trying to be your friend and you're not complying but yet you are always meeting my mum back in Kch!" What's the deal with him? Apparently, he's still in love with me. I tried making him NOT love me but it doesn't seem to work. What can I say? At least I tried being his friend. I tried be there for him when he got mugged. Lost his mobile phone and some cash. Immediately I went over to see him after I got the news. I gave him my spare SIM card and some cash for him to live by throughout the month. Instead of being thankful, he was leashing out his tantrum on me with nasty messages through my handphone. After one year, I got a job with a local broadcasting company and i called him after many months of not contacting him. I just wanted to see how he was doing with his studies. Again he was being cold and not very responsive. Again I got very irritated but I didn't want to say anything else to him. I guess I was hopeful to be able to be his friend again rather than loose him. The last time I spoke to him was the night I was about to leave to Dubai. He had no idea I was leaving. Again the conversation went on like the usual one word answer, but after I told him I was leaving for good, he suddenly became very responsive. He asked questions and started mentioning many other things into details. That was last I heard of him.

The Ex : Mark*

Mark* was my senior at work. He would guide me and help me sort things out if I didn't know how do them. Anyways, to cut the long story short, Mark basically had the most evil intention, which was to marry me. I didn't know all these until after we broke up. So there was, in the relationship and one thing about this relationship was that he was constantly pampering me with a sorts of materilistic goods like, dressing me up in clothings he's buy, let me drive his Merz, he wanted to dress me up from head to toe! Literally! He almost bought me boots from Amsterdam! Then one day, it all fell into place. I realised I was basically his Barbie Doll. Come on, playing dress ups?!? Anyways, I just got a phone call from Mark yesterday mentioning that he was coming over to Dubai to stay with me for a couple of months. This totally freaked me out. I immediately started an arguement with him for the simple reason as to not have this drama follow me to Dubai.

The Conclusion

Some may say I asked for it, I asked for the Drama to follow me but I assure you, the only reason as to why I handed out my contact details are to stay as friends with them. I had no idea it would come this far as to them wanting to come over to stay with me. Overall, I choose to believe the good in people and I value their friendship because the value of friendship is what keeps me going everyday in my life. The pain and hurt I have to go through for loosing a friend is not necessary but it happens. I guess I have no chance to turn back time to get them . Too bad things had to turn out this way.

* names are subsituted to protect character's indentities.

The Jumeira Beach. Nice sand, nice water, nice weather but....cold wind... brrr 

Meet my family - Baby Johnny and Hubby Steve.  

Me with injured arm. 

Souk Madinat Jumeira with Burj Al-Arab in the background. Fantastic view.  

Night view on Souk Madinat Jumeira. Its like an arabian mall by the Burj Al-Arab. Very nice view at night.  

During the ditching practice, we were freezing our asses off in the water and we had to take certain positions to keep ourselves warm. Couldn't stop shivering.  

Christmas Party at one of the First Officer's villa. It was superb. All cabin crews (my batch) and the first officers.  

This was right before we went for the simulator class. We all look like astranauts. White jumpers with socks. Not forgetting the red lipstick and red scrunchie.  

The pool beside the aircraft simulator as a 'sea' for the ditching situation. The water is FREEZING cold.  

This is my classmates. All races from all over the world. This was taken after our turbulance simulation. We were all still shaken by the experience.  

The flight simulator is used to train us for our safety and emergency procedures class. It's cool. It really is a plane...well, without the cockpit and wings.  

The side view of the Museum of Dubai. This structure was used as a prison, a fort, a house and also a castle. It still stands until today as a historical structure. (The inside is air-conditioned) It looks ike a desert house.  

Inside Merkato Mall. It's nice and cosy as it is small but has enough shops to accomodate to people from different age categories. The architechture of the buildings here are superb. Interior designing is fabulous. 

The sky-scrapers area, Shiekh Zayed Road. Here you can find the Emirates Towers, 21st Century Tower, Dusit Dubai, Shangri-La Hotel, Crowne Plaza Hotel and many more towers. Most of the towers are leased for cabin crew accomodation. 

The Semi-Detached type houses here in Dubai. All of the houses here are flat roofed. It may look strange on the outside but it looks gorgeous on the inside. These houses are average cost houses which costs from 2 mil Dhs each.  

An image of the view I get from my bedroom window, Dubai is definetely a city that never sleeps. The trafic just keeps moving and it doesn't stop at all around the clock. This is one of the main roads in Dubai, Sheikh Zayed Road, where all the tall sky-scrapers are at.  

The morning I arrived, I was escorted to my permanent residence and I was so not expecting it to be like a hotel. This is a picture of my bedroom complete with everything. All I needed was myself and some clothes.  

Finding My Way : Moving On

After making all arrangements for leaving for my new job, it was very tough as to give out items which I had worked so hard to buy for my house. It was all given away to friends and family. Even so, the new adventure has yet to begin. Day by day passed and the thought of leaving my boyfriend was hurting me more and more deep inside. Honestly, I didn't know what I should do. Should I express myself openly or should I just shield it from him so it wouldn't hurt him as much? I have decided to shield it from him. I acted happy and excited all the way from his home to the airport.

When we were at the departing hall, I was keeping a poker face to hide my sad feelings from him. I didn't want any tears. That was the last of what I would want when we leave each other. It shouldn't involve tears. He just stood there and gazed into my eyes longingly. I knew he was really hurt inside and didn't want me to leave but he had to because it was for my own future. I am glad that he was not selfish to leave me without a future. Tears welled up in his eyes and he started sniffling. I assured him that everything was going to be fine and shrugged away my tears with a smile. The moment I entered the hall, the sight of him grew smaller and smaller. I couldn't see him wave as much and his face was getting more blur. Tears started building up in my eyes and I couldn't stop them from flowing. I had to tell myself to not look back. Just keep walking ahead and wait for the new adventure to begin.

Throughout the time in the terminal I was constantly talking to him on the phone even in the plane before take off. The moment the plane started moving, I just had to turn off my phone and my heart felt so heavy to press onto the off button. I knew that leaving my home town is going to be hard and what's worse was leaving my boyfriend behind. The only way I could console myself was that there was a brand new adventure waiting for me at the other end of the destination.

Only when I got to Dubai did I realise how much he loves me. How much he is willing to give up for me. It made me think that I was not good enough for him. Was I really worth all the trouble? Was I worth his future? What is it that I have got that he knows that I don't know of? He constantly kept in touch with me via the Internet and was very careful with the time he calls me. He would stay up late just to chat for 5 minutes with me on the net and then go to sleep for a few hours to go to work the next day.

The day I arrived in Dubai was 2 weeks before our 1 year anniversary. I missed this year's christmas with him and our very first anniversary. I know how much it hurts him but we both had no other choice. Hopefully things will make a big turn in the near future.

I love you my darling sweetheart.