Finding My Way : Principles in Love

Most people have principles when it comes to love. Why is it that we have these principles? For my case, i guess you can say it is to avoid any complications and also headache.... (heartache is more like it)

1. Do not go out with anyone from the same institution/organization (collegues or classmates)

2. Once broken up in a relationship, NEVER go back!!

For the moment, these are the only two principles I have in love. Well, at least the ones I can think of at the moment...

Finding My Way : My New Place

After Sept 11 I was a total mess. I didn't want to do anything that was related to my past memories. Everything had to be new and different from before. That was what I thought was best for me. New house, new friends, new things, most of all new life. These were my ways of running away from my problems. I was always the best when it comes to situations like this. I would be the fastest runner around. It was a habit, whenever problem comes, I'd run away.

On Sept 20, I was constantly browsing the Internet for places to stay. I found one on Sept 26. It was suitable for one, and it the rent was quite affordable. After looking at the place for 10 minutes, the landlord didn't have to do much job in convincing me to take up the place, I immediately took out $200 and handed it to him. It was a deposit to keep the place. I wasn't planning on moving or anything but I was so lost that decisions were made with a snap of two fingers without much thought.

After Oct 14, he was around to help me with the cleaning and moving in some stuffs. It was in my mind to stop all confusion and get myself back on track by listing down what I really want in life. I honestly wanted to settle for a serious commited relationship with him. I did the ultimate... I asked him to move in with me.....although I was broke due to the nice sofa and designer dining table.

On Oct 23, he was there, lying on the empty ground in the living hall after a nice hot shower. The thought of sharing this new place with him was absolutely great. Images such as lazing on the couch to watch Queer As Folk, having my famous sphegetthi with him on the dining table, and him working on his laptop on the couch just flashed in front of me. I can't deny that it was a scary thing but at the same time, it was full of hope.

Finding My Way : Sparrow's Wings

There was once a sparrow,
Who soared up above,
She never stopped soaring,
In her search of love.

She flew like the wind,
Oh yes, she did,
She was never left behind,
"I am the best" she'd always cry.

Then comes one day,
One very unfateful day,
The rustling trees, the howling wind,
Destroying all hopes in mind.

The poor sparrow awoke,
Amidst of the pain,
Not knowing where she was,
Only nothing she has gained.

How do we mend,
This sparrow's wing,
So we can send,
This sparrow to fly again.

Finding My Way : My Past Love

I was thinking back on the guys that I dated before and it all started with the one guy who I was devastatingly in love with. He will always be my one true love.

Me :
I was labeled a 'tomboy' in high school. Was it true? Well, I was not really into make-up and all the things that normal girls would talk about, like boys and nail polish or even Brad Pit. I was more into basketball and climbing trees and fighting with boys. I never really had any crush on boys, and i came to the conclusion that something must be really wrong with me. Everyone else had raging hormones and were talking about kissing boys and making out, when i was merely watching wresting on tv and playing roughly with the boys. The girls would talk about the boys they were in to but never spoke a word to them. For me, it was more like clinging an arm on their shoulder and was treated like one of the guys.

How it started :
We were close pals when we were in high school, wresting, punching each other, doing typical guy stuffs.

We talked on the phone one night, and the conversation lasted 4 hours. That was the night he told me. Only after 3 years we found out that we did feel a little chemistry for each other from the start but never fessed up to anyone. On my side, I had kept this secret to myself for the whole 3 years and he, well, he never told anyone. He had to have a great friend to tell him that he was in love with me. It took him a while to realize that his friend was right all along. He fessed up to me. I was flattered but then in my head, i was confused. Should I have kept quiet about how I really felt about him and just kept things the way they were? Was I willing enough to give up my so-called boyish character to have something called a 'relationship'? Would I loose him as a friend?

I did the most insane thing that anyone could have done. I fessed up to him. He was the one guy my other girl friends have been eying on. Most of the girls in my high school wanted to date him because he was cute, but was I one of them? I was attracted to him for his personality, not his looks. I thought it would last for a lifetime, like any typical girl would. Though he may not have satisfied me sexually, it was his companionship that made the relationship lasted. It lasted for a year plus. We broke up due to some blurry reasons. After that we had not spoken to each other for almost two years. I lost weight and left for KL. He continued his studies and his life in Kuching. After two years, I came back to Kuching and had finally prepared myself to call him. I gathered all the strength in me to finally dial his number, wished him a Merry Christmas. I didn't know what else to say.. i blurted out the words "Would you like to go for a drink?", then I panicked.. Why the heck did I say that? Why did I ask him out to see him after not talking for two years? The two years were hard for me to forget him.. and now was I bringing trouble back by meeting him? Would I fall for him again? I was hoping not.. I knew i was able to be strong and not let anything get in my way...

The day came :
He came to pick me up. He had two girls and another guy with him. They were chinese and thin. I was filled with strange emothions, jealousy, anger, and also not forgetting how much i missed him. He brought all of us to some tea shop for a drink. I asked him for a cigarette and that was my first time asking him for a cigarette because I was very much into opposing his smoking habits when we were together. After a few uncomfortable hours with the chinese lot, he sent them home and we talked.

It was time for me to go home, and instead of sending me home, he took a detour and brought me to a Chinese fortune-teller (bomoh). I was shaking on my seat as the whole experience was scary. There was a shrine with red dim lights and statues of the Chinese Gods. This guy walks out with huge beads on his neck totally possesed and sounded strange. I was scared out of my witts. I nearly ran away. He pushed me back in my seat and told me everything was ok. How was it ok when this scary dude was possesed and it was already past midnight? What if the dude was so possesed and the Gods wanted to punish me for escaping classes? he calmed me down by massaging my shoulders. We went in the 'booth' and the dude was telling me about how i still felt strongly for this guy. I was embarassed as I didn't want him to know. But then things made a turn when the Gods told me that this guy felt the same for me as well. I was like "HaHa to you back!"

The time came :
We spent that night talking about what the Gods said to us..focusing more on about our feelings for each other. We got back together that night. To cut the long story short, we were together for one month only and had to break up because we were better off as friends. But i still do have a place for him in my heart, a very special place.

Finding My Way : The Mystery of Life

Life is full of mysteries. Humans usually would do all sorts of things to enable themselves to know the future of one's life. Take for example;

1. Astrology
2. Palm Reading
3. Fortune Telling

Why would humans believe these sort of things which are not factually proven? Is it because we want to believe or that we have no choice but to believe due to our curiousity?

We may be alive and kicking today but who knows we might drop dead five minutes from now. We cannot tell the future, but what if we could? Would things be better because we are able to avoid things that we wouldn't want to happen? Or rather would we plan on ways of achieving the things that we want. Could humans bear and compromise with the fact that we cannot fortell the future? If humans do, then why the existance of astrology reading and palm telling?

As mentioned above, life is full of mysterious ways and things. Would we deceive the plan and act of God or Nature by playing God ourselves?

Finding My Way : Pride

I realised that many things in life can be affected by a person's pride. Be it the person you are looking at right now or be it yourself even. When one goes through life constantly being praised and complemented by others, it has become a habit for them. But when this person encounters another who is not like the others, who does not praise them as often but then keeps in the heart because of their pride, he himself has too much pride to be with the other.

Is this true? This pride that we all have, it is disasterous. If you are with the person you are in love with, would pride get in the way of the relationship? Would you allow for it to happen? Would we just shrug away the pride we have just to be with that one person whom we think is worthy enough?

Finding My Way : I don't know

When problems come, they all come in a huge bulk. They do not come in little packages. As for me, the reflection from all incidents since Sept 11 has fucked up my mind a lot. Why i did it? The simple answer " i do not know". Although it has broken my heart, I still didn't know why it happened.
To that special someone who has given everything to me and willing to give up everything for me, please know that I do care for you, I do love you but I am not in love with you. I am sorry. The number of times I had to apologise because of the decisions I made and also the things I have said. Yes, I know it hurts the other party, but has the other part thought, it hurts me too? It hurts me more to know that that someone who was once special cannot be that someone whom she once met and knew before.
He blamed it on Wick, a guy I once was very in love with. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was in love with Wick still, maybe he didn't think that I knew that Wick and I wouldn't work out and that I know in reality that me and Wick will never be together and that Wick still has a special place in my heart. Did he know that? I didn't think so. Someone once told me, if you really love the other person, you will learn to let them go. Another goes along the lines of, The person who loves you the most may jus be the person who breaks your heart by not being the one to say "I Love You". Were those two wise saying true? I don't know. What is it that I am doing now?
Ever since Sept 11, I have been thinking of ways to move on.
1. I decided to shift out from my old place.
2. Decided to have new ring of friends.
3. Tried to accept him as a friend.
4. Trying to get new furnitures, new clothes, new things.
Are these simply ways of me trying to rid my old self and be new self? i don't know. I am currently seeing someone but it's not really on a serious note. Never had sex even. Do i love this new dude i am seeing? I don't know.