Finding My Way : Another Stab To The Heart
Yes, this may seem really dramatic of me to constantly whine about my love life but this is what has been happening to me lately. I believe that Love is the most powerful source of energy that a person could have. Love can affect everything. If you don't have love, you might as well not live anymore...what purpose is there?
Just last night I was in Colombo for a flight and spent my layover clubbing (my new drug), and drinking(another new drug) which lead to a very enlightening situation. I had one too many to drink and ended up dancing on the bar in the club with a complimentary bottle of rum from the company. As usual, I went back to my hotel and then (what I was told) I called my ex-boyfriend. Apparently I told him many things and was crying on the phone to him. I can't really recall what I said to him though, but I knew it was definetely something about how I really honestly felt for him.
When I woke up in the evening, with a massive hangover and with the ceiling spinning, I recalled speaking to my ex-boyfriend but I was not too sure if it really did happen. I called him to speak about it and he said I really did. The fear of having to hear what I had to say the night before was excruciating. Then, there it was, he dropped the news like how he would just stab a dagger into my chest, "I've been seeing someone".
My heart stopped.
Images of our relationship went flashing past my eyes, his smile, our kisses, our days of cuddling at home, our making love just two months ago.... it felt like I have just been stabbed with the dagger over and over again until I could not feel anything anymore. Could I still be friends with him since he gave up so easily and so soon? What was all the "I love you's" that has been proclaimed all about? Why the strong feelings while making love two months ago after our relationship ended? I honestly didn't know what to do.
Should I hate him? For the simple reasons for not giving us another chance? Or rather disappointed in him for not believing in love as much as I do? Should I be upset at him for replacing me with some girl he barely knows in which, just as a rebound? Why can't he take a chance on me like I did on him when he asked me to figure out what I really wanted in life?
When he told me to figure out what I really wanted in life, I was shit scared of finding out. I honestly was not prepared for what I was about to realise. After I ended our relationship earlier this year, I realised that the one thing that I was scared of was to be in a serious commitment with him. I always felt inadequate to him, inferior to him and everyone else. I was never smarter than any girl you can find in Accenture, neither am I prettier than them with their high maintenance of caing for their hair and nails or expensive suits that they wear everyday. I knew I was not good enough that was why I constantly had to prove myself everyday to everyone that I could be like them. I too could be the girl of his dreams. I tried. The things I realised made me ready for him but he chose to give up. I was too late.
He tells me that he wants to concentrate on work and not think about relationship. Next thing he tells me is that he has been seeing someone else. How was I supposed to digest that? The love of my life stabbing me ...
I guess this is the time for me to close the doors to hope and love.
Just last night I was in Colombo for a flight and spent my layover clubbing (my new drug), and drinking(another new drug) which lead to a very enlightening situation. I had one too many to drink and ended up dancing on the bar in the club with a complimentary bottle of rum from the company. As usual, I went back to my hotel and then (what I was told) I called my ex-boyfriend. Apparently I told him many things and was crying on the phone to him. I can't really recall what I said to him though, but I knew it was definetely something about how I really honestly felt for him.
When I woke up in the evening, with a massive hangover and with the ceiling spinning, I recalled speaking to my ex-boyfriend but I was not too sure if it really did happen. I called him to speak about it and he said I really did. The fear of having to hear what I had to say the night before was excruciating. Then, there it was, he dropped the news like how he would just stab a dagger into my chest, "I've been seeing someone".
My heart stopped.
Images of our relationship went flashing past my eyes, his smile, our kisses, our days of cuddling at home, our making love just two months ago.... it felt like I have just been stabbed with the dagger over and over again until I could not feel anything anymore. Could I still be friends with him since he gave up so easily and so soon? What was all the "I love you's" that has been proclaimed all about? Why the strong feelings while making love two months ago after our relationship ended? I honestly didn't know what to do.
Should I hate him? For the simple reasons for not giving us another chance? Or rather disappointed in him for not believing in love as much as I do? Should I be upset at him for replacing me with some girl he barely knows in which, just as a rebound? Why can't he take a chance on me like I did on him when he asked me to figure out what I really wanted in life?
When he told me to figure out what I really wanted in life, I was shit scared of finding out. I honestly was not prepared for what I was about to realise. After I ended our relationship earlier this year, I realised that the one thing that I was scared of was to be in a serious commitment with him. I always felt inadequate to him, inferior to him and everyone else. I was never smarter than any girl you can find in Accenture, neither am I prettier than them with their high maintenance of caing for their hair and nails or expensive suits that they wear everyday. I knew I was not good enough that was why I constantly had to prove myself everyday to everyone that I could be like them. I too could be the girl of his dreams. I tried. The things I realised made me ready for him but he chose to give up. I was too late.
He tells me that he wants to concentrate on work and not think about relationship. Next thing he tells me is that he has been seeing someone else. How was I supposed to digest that? The love of my life stabbing me ...
I guess this is the time for me to close the doors to hope and love.
posted by Wildfire Princess at
11:42 AM
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