Finding My Way : This Is For You....

In your post, Dancing in An Empty Roon you mentioned about something that reminded you of what you were fighting for... I wished it had never changed. Unfortunately it did for you.

You had gone through too much pain to endure more, I understand and it is me at fault for it. I have already I regret my decision to have left you and I wished I never did made that decision. I finally did what you have always told me to, which is to find out what I really wanted in life and be honest with both you and me.

I finally did it. I realised what I wanted and I spat out the courage to be honest about it after hanging on for four months. Unfortunately it was not good enough for you. Should I have done what you always wanted me to do? Should I have not done it would things be any different?

I wished things were different and I wished I could find a way to express myself, but the only thing I am capable of doing is nothing. My friends and family worry about my health as to my constant crying and feeling of depression. Who knew that love would affect people so strongly. Who knew it would affect me so much as it was 'just another' relationship to them?

For once at least I knew it wasn't 'just another' relationship as any other. At least I knew this was different. At least I knew that I did see the bigger picture and was being prepared for the future. Unfortunately when I did, it was already too late. At least I knew I was honest and sincere about how I really feel. At least I knew I really wanted a future with you.

Finding My Way : A Night Out With The Elite Crowd in Dubai

Last night was spent very worthily as it was a friend's parents' 30th Wedding Anniversary and their relative's engagement party. More of like a double celebration. As I have only been in Dubai for the past 6 months, (actually only half the time of 6 months I was here. The other half was either on the plane or at other countries)I barely know many people. So this friend of mine, her father-in-law is the owner of an events management company in Dubai, which so happens to be a massive and well-known company to the society here.

To me, as like any typical Malaysian, when I was invited for the wedding anniversary, I thought it was just a simple get together by some friends, and have dinner, probably some drinks and that was it. Little did I know it was something big and posh, which was some black suit and dinner gowns kinda thing.

While I was in the car and we were approaching the villa, I could hear loud music, and colourful lights flashing with a stage and a disco ball. Immediately, I looked at myself thinking,"Am I wearing something nice enough? Do I really look ok? What if someone asks me what am I doing here when I am not famous?" I was so nervous I was practically shitting bricks!

I was in a black gown, which was one of the gifts from my ex-boyfriend and high-heels straps. My hair was straight (naturally!) and I did some curls on the sides and back. I had slight make-up on just to enhance the attire I was in, not knowing what I was about to face. I must say I looked pretty decent with a black bare-backed dress but my wrist was wrapped in gauze made me look like Mike Tyson's girlfriend in a dress!!

I got out of the car, palms sweating, gripping onto my purse with my good hand and my bandaged hand was just hanging off my shoulder. The moment I set a foot past the villa gates, everyone just stopped talking and turned their faces towards me. I was struck with a moment of silence and was dumbfounded. By the way, did I forget to mention that these friends of mine were a mix of Indians and Pakistanis? So I was the only non-Indian person at the party. You seriously have no idea how I felt, For one, I felt as though I was in India, being in a confined area filled with so many of them! They were just starring at me!! Whatever I did, wherever I moved and whatever I said. Everyone were speaking in Hindi and that made me felt even more left out. So I did what I did best, I tried mingling and observed many people.

There were cameras everywhere, photographers and also video cameras. These were people from the press. I seriously had no idea that my friend's father-in-law was such a well-renowned person in Dubai. When I was at the gates, I was saved for a split moment by one of the press asking for my photo. I was asked to step outside the gates where there were decorations with flowers and also away from the rest of the crowd. After that, I went inside and looked for the host of the villa to congratulate him. He is such a sweet man. Very kind and humble but yet influencial.

The stage was filled with the younger crowd dancing and shaking their thang to the Indian R&B tunes. The music was excellent thanks to their talented DJ. I was dragged many times to the floor to the Hindi tunes. Dumbstruck and didn't know what the lyrics mean, I just did what the rest of them did, and I guess it turned out pretty well. (In another prespective, I made a fool out of myself) I was told by the host of the party that everyone was wondering who I was as I was the centre of attraction last night (Hey, if the situatiuon was reversed, like one Indian in an all Malaysian-Chinese party.... you know what I mean). So apparently according to the host, I was supposed to be his girlfriend last night.

After staying the whole night last night outdoors at 35 degree celcius, everyone left pretty early. The older crowd left at midnight and all of us were left having a good time on the dance floor. I met some nice chaps who were having nice conversations with me..at least while it lasted. They were talking to me nicely and then after a few sentences and one whisper from one guy to another behind my back, they all left me sitting alone. Was it what I said? Was is how I said it? I thought I did something wrong. Little did I know that there was some guy who was THREATENING all the guys to stay away from me.

The party was fun for me at least. Apparently there were some pretty important people there as well, which I have no idea who but I guess I will find out in the papers or magazines soon! So much for my first experience in an elite social get-together!

Finding My Way : Regret Or Denial?

I do apologise for those who have been fairly agitated at the fact that I have not been a loyal blogger. These days, blogging seems like a monthly ritual...somewhat like a menstrual periods for women.

These are for the ladies...

Have you ever had a boyfriend which has fulfilled your every relationship needs which you left? Well, I did. I left my 'Mr. Perfect' not so long ago. He was a guy which every mother would want as a son-in-law, he was the guy that you would want to spend your whole lifetime with and probably the next, if you do believe in reincarnation.

My 'Mr.Perfect' would come home to me every night when I was still struggling for a living in Kuala Lumpur. He would never cheat on me, or even put the silly idea into my head, eventhough I know that there are some horny bitches out there ready to pounce on him at any opportunity they get. Anyways, he would be there in times of need, for the good and for the bad, during laughter and in tears. He was always there. These were the qualities that was in him, and also not forgetting that I had to constantly pick up after him and at times, he'd help pick up after me.

Never in my 9 years of dating have I met a guy who has all these qualities. He was THE man for me. Heck, I'd dare to even say that my mum liked him, even though she only met him a couple of times. But, not every relationship islike a bed of roses. It was not his mistake, it was mine. I didn't know what possesed me and I left my 'Mr.Perfect'. My reasoning behind it was that I wanted 'fireworks and passion'. What kind of an excuse is that? I guess the thing was I was getting bored of the CONSISTENCY he was driving in the relationship. It was the same thing everyday, every weekend, every night, everytime. There were no longer sparks of passion and surprises and wake me up kisses, it was merely as dead as a decomposing corpse would be.

After shifting to Dubai, and leaving him, it seemed like I was supposed to be facing new adventures, new people, new life with all the glamour, one-night-stands (if I ever get lucky) and posh dinners. I'm afraid it was way beyond what I expected it to be. Instead of getting those all of the above, I was left alone and depressed with nobody to turn to and nobody to trust.

I was thinking the other day, will I ever be able to find somebody like my 'Mr.Perfect' again? Heck, since it's been four months since me and 'Mr.Perfect' have not been together I was filled with a lot or regret and sadness. If he were to propose to me anytime, I'd give up everything I worked for in Dubai just to be with him. I would move back just to be with him even it means giving up my dreams.

I don't know what would be scarier, to find out the fact that he's seeing someone new or to know that I've lost him forever. But there is one thing for sure that I know of, and it is that I will always, always love him no matter if fate doesn't put us together.