Finding My Way : Consequences of Life

My Life

My life as it seems to many, is just plain simple. Happy-go-lucky girl with no problems, many friends, making most of life and no headaches at all. To those who think that way, you are so wrong! My life is full of drama. As it may seem to be filled with joy and laughter, it is all because of years of practice ; wearing a mask. Everyday I live my life by wearing a mask out the door from my house. I leave all personal feelings at home and not take them to work. Is this a healthy lifestyle to live? Not many notice it. Only a handful knows what I really have to go through.

The Happy Me

Many know me as the happy-go-lucky-girl. The crazy girl who is always loud and cheerful. How do I know all these, well, many have wrote the same things in my testimonial in friendster. Otherwise, I was verbally complemented that I am a crazy person and I should keep it up. I believe that joys and laughter can make someone's day. Sometimes, even a smile would do. Not many would expect this sort of mentality from me because they just think I am just crazy.

The Dramas

After moving to Dubai, I thought I had left all my dramas back in Malaysia. Starting a new life here, in a new city, with new environment. Who would've thought the dramas would follow me all the way here. My ex boyfriends are few of the most important people I would love to stay in contact with. Mainly because I believe that should we have not been fated together, it doesn't necessarily mean thathe doesn't deserve my friendship. Friendship means everything to me. It is basically my life. When I was younger, I never had a chance to have a close relationship with my sisters and family mainly because of my parent's divorce.The only people I had were my friends. We had close-knit relationships as we were growing up. I guess that's the main reson as to why I have problems with emotions when I loose a friend.

The Pen-Pal

When I was 13, I started building a close relatioship with this boy, John* who was a friend of my sister's. We were mostly chatting on the Internet chat room or we would talk on the phone. Not long after he graduated high school, he left for another country. Of course I was devastated. He was the only person I could ever confide all my personal feelings to throughtout the years and suddenly after 3 years, he had to go. The day he was about to leave, he was supposed to hand me something and coincidently it was Valentine's Day. I waited and waited at the place he said. He never came. I called John and he said to check my mailbox at home. When I did, I found a small red box with a small tube of perfume, lotion and a handmade friendship band with my name on it. That friendship band was given to him by me for his birthday the year before. In the box also conained a note stating that the friendship band is to be returned the next time we meet; it symbolises our friendship. As the years go by, John and I would converse via email, telephone and also via snail mail.
Until one day when me and John's best friend, Andy* started going out. When John found out about it, he was furious and somehow or rather he mentioned he was happy for us. At that moment in time, Andy couldn't face the fact that I went out with so many guys before and was upset so he decided to ask some advice from John since both me and John knew each other for so long. Instead, John reffered to me as a slut. When I found out that Andy actually agreed to that I was furious! Like excuse me for trying to find love when I was younger. That was the bomb for me. I just had to go. Immediately I left Andy because it was nothing I could have posssibly forgive someone for. After the relationship with Andy, i had decided not to keep in contact with John anymore as to what he said about me has really hurt my feelings. Could you possibly imagine, a friend who has been sharing your life growing up together just comes to a conclusion stating that you are a slut instead of understanding all those years of conversing through mails in addition based on his anger that me and his best friend went out together. Not so many days ago he confessed that he did had a crush on me during high school and was dissapointed that neither me nor Andy told him that we were seeing each other. Did this give him a right to angry at me and vent out his anger on me cause I went out with his best friend? He mentioned he stopped caring for me because I was not the same sensitive person as before. The only reason to that was because I was being realistic.

The Ex : Andy*

After me and Andy broke up, he was devastated that he tried shutting me out. I didn't want to loose him as a friend. I still cared for him. I tried calling him to keep in contact but it was no more than a one way conversation with him only answering,"Umm, Yeah, No, Eh, Ah". Yes, it was like I was talking to someone with speech disorder but sigh, that was what I had to put up with. For those who know me really well, you know how short my temper is. I could have just cut him off and said,"Fuck you, you stupid fucker, here I am trying to be your friend and you're not complying but yet you are always meeting my mum back in Kch!" What's the deal with him? Apparently, he's still in love with me. I tried making him NOT love me but it doesn't seem to work. What can I say? At least I tried being his friend. I tried be there for him when he got mugged. Lost his mobile phone and some cash. Immediately I went over to see him after I got the news. I gave him my spare SIM card and some cash for him to live by throughout the month. Instead of being thankful, he was leashing out his tantrum on me with nasty messages through my handphone. After one year, I got a job with a local broadcasting company and i called him after many months of not contacting him. I just wanted to see how he was doing with his studies. Again he was being cold and not very responsive. Again I got very irritated but I didn't want to say anything else to him. I guess I was hopeful to be able to be his friend again rather than loose him. The last time I spoke to him was the night I was about to leave to Dubai. He had no idea I was leaving. Again the conversation went on like the usual one word answer, but after I told him I was leaving for good, he suddenly became very responsive. He asked questions and started mentioning many other things into details. That was last I heard of him.

The Ex : Mark*

Mark* was my senior at work. He would guide me and help me sort things out if I didn't know how do them. Anyways, to cut the long story short, Mark basically had the most evil intention, which was to marry me. I didn't know all these until after we broke up. So there was, in the relationship and one thing about this relationship was that he was constantly pampering me with a sorts of materilistic goods like, dressing me up in clothings he's buy, let me drive his Merz, he wanted to dress me up from head to toe! Literally! He almost bought me boots from Amsterdam! Then one day, it all fell into place. I realised I was basically his Barbie Doll. Come on, playing dress ups?!? Anyways, I just got a phone call from Mark yesterday mentioning that he was coming over to Dubai to stay with me for a couple of months. This totally freaked me out. I immediately started an arguement with him for the simple reason as to not have this drama follow me to Dubai.

The Conclusion

Some may say I asked for it, I asked for the Drama to follow me but I assure you, the only reason as to why I handed out my contact details are to stay as friends with them. I had no idea it would come this far as to them wanting to come over to stay with me. Overall, I choose to believe the good in people and I value their friendship because the value of friendship is what keeps me going everyday in my life. The pain and hurt I have to go through for loosing a friend is not necessary but it happens. I guess I have no chance to turn back time to get them . Too bad things had to turn out this way.

* names are subsituted to protect character's indentities.