Finding My Way

Finding My Way : Drugged?

2007-05-04T04:03:00.000+08:00

Yesterday evening was quite an eventful evening for me as I was just about to fall asleep on my bed at 6pm when I was awakened by a phone call from Marisa.

"Could you come over to pick up some of his clothings?" she asked.

"Err, well, why can't you give it to him yourself?" I replied, puzzled as I didn't want to be involved in the whole fiasco.

"I don't want to be reminded of him and I don't want to see him again", she said.

So I thought to myself, ok, I'm just gonna go pick up some of his stuff and get back home as I had earlier promised to cook us some dinner. I put on a lengthy shirt and my pair of jeans with a pair or white heels and left for her place. Little did I know what was on her mind when she opened the door to her house. Wine bottles were spread out on the table and the tv was connected to this strange contraption which was playing karaoke music.

She coyed me into drinking wine with her as she didn't have any whisky in the house. For those who has known me, they all know that whisky is my drink. Give me as much whisky as possible and nothing much would have happened to me. Well, besides the fact that I probably would have gotten a little bit drunk but then hey, I'd never pass out on whisky.

I remembered drinking my fourth glass of wine whilst singing to the song , All My Life by Kc and JoJo with them singing along with me. Ok, I have to admit, it was quite fun and I was enjoying her company. I was ready to grab his stuff when she cunningly lead me into her bedroom to 'talk'. Ok, I thought it was nothing and I thought that it was going to be somthing innocent.

The last thing I remembered was talking her into wearing a black singlet and a pair of skirt. When I woke up, I was at someone else's house. How was that possible? I couldn't remember a thing about what has happened.

Apparently while I was at the bathroom talking on the phone, I had already made plans to go home, cook dinner and then not wanting to go to Harvester's Pub as I had been hanging out there for the past week, noon to night. After coming out from the bathroom and having a drink from my glass, I can't recall what happened after. Perhaps that was an opportunity for her to add something to my drink.

The following day I was trying really hard to piece the puzzles together, wearing Marisa's dress and her bra. I couldn't recall taking my shirt and jeans off. I was puzzled. I thought so hard the whole day and I could only get a brief flashback of her kissing me.

She texted him and admittedly told him that she did take advantage of me while putting the blame on me stating that I was drunk. It made me wonder, how could I have possibly gotten drunk and pass out after only four glasses of wine? Apparently she deliberately made me 'drunk', brought me to Harvester's Pub knowing the fact that everyone there knew me, and made me look like a drunkard fool in front of everyone.

It made me think. Why would she want to do that? I never harmed her, never spoke bad things about her and even offered to take care of her with no intentions whatsoever when she was drunk at Harvester's before. The anger in me wanted to just rip her apart but then would I want to stoop as low as her doing what she did to me? I don't think so. Unlike her, I have class and I don't have to spike someone else's drink in order to get back at someone who didn't do anything to me.

So for everyone else reading this, please be careful when you are out drinking with people you trust or don't trust. You never know what they might do to you.

Finding My Way : Lost In Life

2007-04-20T01:54:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt where your life is spinning so fast that you can hardly see the images of people's faces clear enough to recognise them? All the people surrounding you, smiling, laughing, frowning at you but yet, you could hardly recognize the expressions on their faces?

Imagine this, you are alone, standing on the sidepath in a subway in Central London. Everyone's going on their business, rushing, walking at fast pace and shoving without even a word of "Excuse me". You are still in the same spot as you were. You know where you are at...which station and you are aware of the destination you should be going towards but then there are so many trains to take. So many people to shove aside and so many paths to take. But then again, you are unsure of whether you should take it or not.

This was how I was feeling last week. I realised I was so lost in life. I am currently surviving in a battle field. (Okay, I do realize I am living in the Middle East but then I meant metaphorically not literally) I wasn't sure if this life, in a well-paying company which has all the benefits any employee would want was what I wanted. Which comes to the question of, "what is it that I really wanted?"

I wanted a friend, someone to be there for me, instead of the usual guys who just want to get into your pants for the sake of physical pleasure and fun. I wanted someone who could be there for me in times of need. A shoulder to cry on, someone I could depend on and someone who needed me. Unfortunately these are all wishes that only one could hope for.

A couple of years ago I started to cut my arm to release all my frustrations and anger. It made me realise how the physical pain that I was able to endure was better off than the emotional pain I had to go through. The last time I cut myself was a year ago. When I was going through a massive breakdown, I had long straight hair which flowed all the way to the tip of my tailbone and lost massive weight. I survived only on KFC's dinner box which was a 3 piece chicken for 3 months. I lost 4kgs within those 3 months.

I stopped cutting my arm for a year and learned to control my temper. Recently I had another episode. Something which I am not proud of, I did it again. The feeling of adrenaline rushing through your veins when the blade pierces through the epidermise of your skin is just so stimulating. The anger would tarnish in the dead silence. Just when the blade pierces through another area of the skin, another surge of release rushed through my body.

Finding My Way : Mr.Geeky-Cute / 50Delta

2007-03-21T19:01:00.000+08:00

As I was rostered to do a 9-day trip to Singapore-Brisbane and Auckland all the way from Dubai and back, I as rather exited because I haven't had this flight for a long time. I also wanted to go back to Singapore although that is not my original hometown (it's the next thing closest to home which I had access to). Day by day I counted down to the date in which I was to do the flight.

The day came and I haven't had an ounce of a good night's sleep the night before the flight. Clearly I was not prepared for this 9 day journey. The morning uneasiness broke and I had to drag my feet to the bathroom. I was just so close to calling sick for the flight. After ironing my uniform and preparing all my stuff for my trip, I remembered how my friend has requested for me to help him carry some things over to Singapore for his family. Shoving and stuffing all the crap into my suitcase, I finally managed to close the bag and head off to the briefing centre for work. There were many new faces in the briefing room. I'm not sure if it was the champagne I had the night before that suddenly decided to kick in or the lack of sleep, I was filled with adrenalin rush and was really chirpy (and when i mean chirpy, I mean CHIRPY!)

Broke the silence in the briefing room and made people laugh (at me) as usual, and headed off for the flight. Everyone seemed to be in a really good mood for the flight. Thank God I didn't call sick for this flight seeing that had such a great set of crew.

On the flight to Singapore (1st sector) I was doing my job on the plane and found myself surprisingly helpful and happy. Honestly, I don't know what possessed me but I was more happy than my usual self. After boarding, I was going to the aft of the plane to prepare the rest of the things that had to be prepared. On my way, just one more step to the galley and I was there. My feet were killing me in the horrifying-looking pumps and s I was approaching the last three rows without being addressed "excuse me", I was smiling even wider. One more step and then there it was,"Excuse me?" a timid little voice from my lower left called. It was a guy sitting in the last row right before the galley.

It was Mr.Geeky-Cute. Caucasian, quite long legs, tattered and faded looking jeans with a t-shirt, wearing spectacles with dirty blond hair looking at me. He looked shy and timid so I was more than happy to help him out with any of his queries. Can you imagine if it was a demanding, over-confident, self-obsessed person who was tugging onto my arm while screaming ,"EXCUSE ME!!" into my ear?!? Hell, with my temper, that person would never live an hour on the 7 hour flight.

Mr.Geeky-Cute wanted to know if there was a seat available at the emergency exits to ease his legs throughout the long hauled flight. So I did what I was paid for based on every typical homosapien's perception, I assisted him in finding the seat. Bingo! Found him one, in between a girl and a guy somewhere at the middle of the aircraft. After I found the seat, I was heading back to him to tell him the good news, I was stopped by some of the crews at the mid galley for a coffee. Because I don't drink coffee to boost my energy level, I decided to go with a Coke. Aahh, good old caffein and sugar to boost my energy level at such an absurd hour.

Went back to him, told him the good news, expecting him to be like any other passenger to immediately jump to the opportunity to move to the seat which would allow him to have more legspace, then there it wss, nicely said to me which made me feel like how some passengers just get a kick out of making the crew walk the entire aircraft for fun or revenge,"Oh, I'm comfortable here".

Time passed quickly and after we finished the service, i decided to hang out at the back galley with the rest of the crew. Having something to eat and then passing through some area of turbulence, the plane got really bumpy. I coudn't help but notice Mr.Geeky-Cute was starring into the screen with so much interest. I was sitting on the jumpseat just adjacent to his seat and he turned around to tell me that it was an interesting film. "Okkayy...and this affects me...how??' of course I was polite enough to just agree with him because I had no clue what film he was talking about.

We started getting into a light conversation about what the film was about, who was in it but he didn't know the name of the film. Hmm....so much for the status 'Geeky' in the first place. Nice chap I must admit. But far too geeky. And when I say that I mean by the looks. Hillarious as it sounds but it's true. After a few minutes of clean conversation, the flight was almost over. I thought he would be like any other passenger on any flight which I would never see again. So it didn't really matter to me what he thought of me anyways.

When the aircraft landed in Changi International Airport(Singapore), I was filled with joy and happiness that I was well, almost home. Couldn't wait to get out of the plane, I packed my bags while the passengers were leaving the aircraft. He was one of those in line when I was at the mid galley bidding farewell to the rest of the homosapiens that I would never ever again see or bump into for a long, LONG time. As he was approaching the mid galley, he walked towards me and drawed me aside with his whisperieng. I thought he wanted maybe a pair of socks, or toothbrush or maybe ask which gate to come back to after the half hour transit. But no, none of the above. He told me that it would be nice to have my number to hang out with me sometime in Dubai because he works in Abu Dhabi.

Hmm.... he could be a serial psycopath killer but he looks more timid than he does like some asylum-fugitive. But what the heck, I'll take my chances and gave him my number. I got off from the plane and holding the thought that maybe I won't be seeing him again but it didn't seem to bother me much.

One week after, I was supposed to be operating back from Brisbane to Singapore to Dubai but because I had food poisoning in Brisbane, I was ordered(literally!) by the doctor in Brisbane to fly straight back from Brisbane to Dubai as a passenger. On the flight I was expecting to be sitting alone and sleeping for the rest of the time. So, I got all my stuff ready..pillow = check, journal=check, pens=check, blanket=check,socks=check, bottle of water=check.

Intending to use the lavatory before any of the unruly passengers decided to hogg the toilet with the never-ending time they have on the flight, I rushed there whilst boarding was still in progress. Right after I came out from the lavatory, with both hands dripping wet with water, there he was, right in front of me. Mr.Geeky-Cute. On the same flight as me back to Dubai. Beside me was *Dani, a Bulgarian chick who was with our set of crew. She was eyeing him like a hawk, ready to swoop in at the prey at any unexpected time. She didn't know about my Mr.Geeky-Cute incident.

"You again?!? What are you doing here 50Delta?" I addressed him. He laughed and told me that he was again located at 50D for the entire flight back to Dubai. Thank God I wasn't nasty to him in the previous flight last week. What are the odds of meeting a passenger again on the plane?

We sat together and talked and laughed and very much enjoyed each other's company. I was pleased as my 7 hour flight was pretty entertaining and not just surrounded by snores and pointless chatting with people out of courtesy.

I learned more about him and i suppose he did learn more about me. It was fun meeting him again out of coincidence. *Dani was not too pleased about how we got to talking and enjoying each other's company. Whilst I was at the back galley, she hissed at me "He's MINE!" and it simply amused me at how she was being so territorial yet determined. She tried all sorts of tricks like giving him a toy bag, starting empty conversations with him about how the Captain was also from the same place he's from...bla...bla".

It was funny. I'm glad I get to meet nice people on the flight, the sane ones of course. Most of the time, they're just weird and crazy in some ways.

Finding My Way : My Newfound Adventure - Part 1

2006-10-02T20:47:00.000+08:00

Never in my whole life did I imagine myself to have an opportunity to explore the most romantic city in the world, PARIS. On September 17th, I was scheduled to go to London for a squash tournament for one week, representing the airline (in which I got trashed really badly seeing how out of shape I was) and to return to Dubai immediately on the 24th. Who knew that my one week of exploring London would turn out to be more like an amazing race to Paris.

My newfound lover came over to London two days before I was supposed to leave for Dubai. Which was initially supposed to be a two day visit for him to spend time with me (because we don't have the time to spend with each other in Dubai), I gues the both of us longed for more of each other's company and we were both convinced that I should go to Paris with him. It was one of the most spontaneous things I did in my life. No planning, no ticket, no money, no credit cards for emergencies, no accomodation booking, no nothing. Besides, I didn't mind taking the chance because he was going to be with me at all time (at least I hoped he would).

On my flight to Paris, it suddenly dawned on me how crazy I was to be doing something so uncertain and risky, something I wouldn't want to be caught dead for knowing my insecure self. Man, what if something went wrong and I was stuck at the airport for not having any visas or something?! I was shaking out of nervousness and was perspiring cold sweat. I could hear my own heart beating faster and could feel my blood rushing through all veins. It was so nerve-wrecking that I had only two options : stop, turn back abd tell the Emirates staff that I wanted an immediate flight back to Dubai or I could just waltz past the passport control and face whatever that was in store for me in Paris.

The journey from Charles De Gaulle airport to his home took an approximately 40 minutes and I could not help but feel nervous yet excited. He was a big help in assuring me that everything was going to be fine (yeah, right!) Then the moment of truth came. We have reached his family's house. Outside the main gates, I could see a small building structure probably about 200 metres away. The building had a wooden door on each side and I thought, "Ok, this is not so bad, just chill". So I decided to comment on how cute and simple is house was but then later to find out that it was the garage. (DUH!!) That was actually what made me felt even more scared. He directed me towards the back of the garage (which seemed like a house to me) towards the REAL house. I tried taking small steps so it would prolong the time for us both to get to the main door but it seemed like he was rushing towards it. What was supposed to be 10 minutes felt like time just flew past and I was already at the front door. Like any other people, I thought that he wouldn't possibly have the house keys (because he doesn't live there anymore) and would have to press the doorbell. As my eyes were busy searching for the doorbell, his hand spontaneously reached into his right pocket and pulled out a set of keys. Just before I was able to stop him so I could take a deep breath to prepare myself, he swiftly inserted the key into the keyhole and twisted it. The door swung open and a smiling red-headed lady stood there welcomed us.

I stood there in shock as I never did get my 'preparation-breath' and had to put on a smile. As per norm I introduced myself and thanked them for putting my up for the night. Suddenly, a tall figure walking down the staircase on my left appeared and introduced himself as Mr. Yves. For a second I nearly believed in Santa Clause againi but I took a step back to reconsider the fact about Santa and shaving his beard off. It was his father. The couple were most accomodating but I still felt nervous. We were asled to have dinner and they learned more about me, where I came from, how I got to know their son, what culture I was most familiar with, the works. Not long after the conversation, his sister walks in. The whole 'meeting-the-Beurel-family' was such a nerve-wrecking experience for me but they are the nicest people I have ever met.

After dinner the plan was to meet up at Isabel's place for a movie. His other friend came over to pick us up and headed over to her place for some drinks and Constantine. It was a nice relaxing evening I must say. Not bad for a first-hand experience with the locals and their lifestyle. It left me a really good feeling about this foreign land.

Finding My Way : Arsenic

2006-08-13T18:58:00.000+08:00

The moment I arrived in Dubai, I decided to get myself something nice to make me happy. I have all proper equipments with me for a couple of months but are merely stored in the cupboard due to my lack of motivation and interest to hook it up.

The phone rang at 1.30pm and I was still groggy from my couple of hours' sleep. I mumbled words stating that I needed another 10 minutes of shut eye and dozed back off. No later than a few minutes of shut eye, the blasted phone started to ring again. I had to drag myself out from under the sheets and make my way to my bathroom to clean myself and freshen up. Mouth and teeth cleaned and rinsed, hair in a mess(as usual), eyes swollen and body aching. I was almost as good as ready. I dragged my weight back to my room and put on my black singlet along with an army-printed mini. I felt too lazy to tackle my footsteps with highheels so I slipped on a pair of my DC skater shoes. Just before I set a foot out the main door, I took a glance of myself in the mirror. "Something's missing..."I couldn't really figure out what was, so I went back to my bedroom only to find my darling pair of Gucci's on the dresser. As I slowly place them on my face to cover my swelling eyes I thought to myself,"Now, I'm ready".

I felt really lazy and lethargic but I just had to drag my feet to the elevator to meet my friend over at his place. After a while of chit-chatting, we decided to leave the house. The heat outside was excruciating and we hurried to the car to spare ourselves from the potential heat-stroke that me might suffer from. After a few minutes of driving around in the 48 degree heat, we found ourselves at a dodgy little store with noisy chirping birds. Then there she was, in a glass frame. I fell in love with her. Immediately I took her home and wrote clearly on a piece of paper for my roomate to see,"A-R-S-E-N-I-C".

Later that night, after a few more outings and a movie, I decided to check on my newfound drug. Then there it was, lying there in the glass container while I just stood there starring into it. Ayda, my roomate came over and screamed her head off when she saw what was in the glass container. "What are you planning to do now?" I replied telling her I wasn't really sure.

We had to flush it down the toilet eventually. We couldn't just throw it in the garbage bin, it's inhumane! We said our goodbyes and went through with it.

By the way, it was a goldfish. Hope it was a good read.

Finding My Way : Singapore Drug

2006-08-10T06:00:00.000+08:00

As I set foot in the doors of Insomnia, I could hear the loud banging of the drums along with the voice of a lady singing to Shakira's latest hit, Hips Don't Lie. The podium was small enough to fit five people and all the other instruments, drum set, guitars, keyboard and a few microphones. Everywhere I turned, there were people dancing to the beat and shaking their sweaty bodies with a glass in their hand.

Joe*, Tim*, Debbie and me made our way to the bar and gathered near the steps which divided the dance floor and the bar. After a round of beers, we decided that maybe it was best if we had ordered a bottle of Chivas. Nothing beats a night of loud music and some liquid gold running down our thirsty throats. As I looked around, I could see many people haing a good time, moving their body to the beat and downing their drinks. Some were trying to chat up some girls, some were trying to hook up young guys... Debbie and the two guys were having fun chatting away, getting to know each other as I was just merely observing everyone. There were people who didn't care what others thought of them,while there were some who were too concious about what others think of them.

I have finished my drink and decided to return the glass to the bartender. As I made my way to the bar, I could see that there was a person with short hair sitting on the stool which was there. Next to him was another guy who was just enjoying his drink alone. They didn't seem like they were there together. Not bothered by the thought of why they were there, I squeezed in between and reached my arm out to return the glass. Then there it was, a song that the band was playing, Sweet Child. As I moved my body away from the bar, the guy turned towards me and leaned in towards my ear and said simultaneously with the band,"Where do we go now?" I was stunned. The first thing that came into my mind was , "Don't you have a better pick up line?". I was so close to bursting out with laughter that I didn't want to seem rude so I forced a smile out of me.

I approached my ring of friends, nervously asking if there was a phone call for me. I was expecting to meet a very old friend that night. She had set up a meet at that bar because her friend had booked a table there. I had not seen my friend Jac* in over 6 years. I was nervous and excited. I didn't really know what to expect. After a few minutes, Tim* leaned over and conveyed the message to me,"She's waiting at the entrance". At that time I was filled with relief and at the same time I was really nervous as well. I walked towards the entrance of the club and looked around frantically. Has she lost weight? Maybe she put on some weight. Maybe she did cosmetic surgery and she had her skin bleached. I was so nervous I couldn't really see where I was going.

Then there she was, in all white with a black polka-dotted sash round her waist. She looked amazing! She still looked the same as before, skinny but more beautiful. I was so stunned I didn't know how to react. Next thing I knew I was screaming with her with my arms both spread out reaching to hug her. The feeling to relief to see someone dear after being alone in a foreign land for so long was undescribeable. We decided to go inside the club to my ring of friends. I introduced her to all of them and they were all getting along fine. I was happy to see everyone getting along so well with each other.

Not long after that, few of her friends joined us. At that time I was already slightly tipsy from all the liquid gold that I drank to quench my thirst. I remembered clearly I was dancing on the dance floor and one of her friends approached me. She was wearing a black halter top with jeans and shiny dangling earrings. She was dancing with me and while we were at it, we mutually leaned into each other and then there it was, the fantasy of every guy which they would love to experience, two girls kissing. I knew I was tipsy and I could feel her lips on mine. Eventually I felt more than that. I felt her hands on my breasts. After the whole kissing scene, she told me her husband was not too far away. Hmm...what more can I expect? I kissed a married woman while I was out with my future-husband-to-be(my 5 yr deal). Not really a nice way to convince him that I would be a fit mother to his kids in 5 years' time is it?

I guess some of you would ask me if I enjoyed my little encounter with the lesbian wife and also question my sexual orientation. Well, I did enjoyed the kiss and I also enjoyed the undisclosed kiss I had with a guy that night!

Finding My Way : To Be Or Not To Be......

2006-08-02T03:27:00.000+08:00

After many considerations, i thought that maybe it's about time my mum knew the awful truth. My heart raced as I dialled the number of her mobile slowly on my cordless phone. I waited for the dail tone and at the same time praying that maybe her mobile would have a constant beeping sound to indicate the line being busy or perhaps a recorded message going,"We're sorry. The number that you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please try again later. Thank you." My heart skipped a beat the moment the first ring tone beeped. Oh shit, how am I supposed to break this to her? What if she decides to disown me? What if she comes all the way to Dubai and beat the living crap out of me? What if she sends me to some catholic convent to get me exorcised? What if she sends me to some monastary in Nepal and lock me there for the next 10 years? The what if's were flying through my head so fast I could barely get a grip on which she would actually do.

The worst happened. She picked up,"Hello?" The urge and the temptation to just press on the hang up button was so great that I had to hold down my thumb with my other hand. She knew it would be me as she has caller-id on her mobile. "Na? Is that you?" For the first time in my life I felt it was so difficult for my voice to come out from my throat.(Yeah, I know many of you find that hard to believe) So I diverted my thoughts on something else and asked her many questions on how things were at home with our baby brother, Oscar and also with the whole family. Just when I was about to ask the next question, she beat me to it. She asked me back,"So, what's going on in your life now?" I was dumbfounded. I didn't know how to answer her. Many thoughts about my love life flashed past my mind and I was contemplating on whether to tell her the truth. The the words just came out from my mouth. Well, I practically drooled them out,"Mum, I think I might be gay".

My palms got all sweaty and fingers were icy cold. I feared for what her response would be. I could feel butterflies floating around in my tummy and the urge of hurling was so tempting. the pause I had to wait for her reply was so long I could have just died from the suspense of waiting. Then there it was, through the phone she layed it out on me. She laughed her head off. Was this supposed to be funny? How was this news amusing? How was my sexual disorientation a hilarious thing? Personally I think it's pretty serious, don't you think?

This was my future I was talking about. Would she not want grandchildren from one of her own flesh and blood? So, by her laughing is that supposed to be a green light for me to come out of the closet? Nothing seems to shock her anymore. When my younger sister told her about her dating a Nigerian guy she flipped and now I broke the news to her about me coming out and she laughed? How was this fair?

So continuing with the conversation with my mother, she asked what other options I had in my life. I briefly told her that I was not going to get married because I only wanted to marry one person but that didn't work out so I told her that I was able to give her granchildren but from another person. Prior to my phone call to her I came up with the most brilliant idea which is I made a deal with my friend Joe* that in 5 years' time, if nobody wanted us, we'd get hitched and have kids, living like nomads around the world. So 5 years' time, when I turn ungodly 28 years old, I would have babies with this friend of mine, Joe*. We would have Punjabi+Melanau+Chinese looking babies. I assured her that our kids would look really good should they inherit his big eyes and sharp nose plus my attractive features. She was calmed by that idea.

The best part was when I suggested the idea to Joe*, the response i got from him was that he liked my mum's fruitcake and that was the reason he agreed to my idea. Strange how a girl can work her way to a man's heart through his stomach.

Finding My Way : Sexual Preference?

2006-07-27T03:23:00.000+08:00

This posting is none other than my trying to get back on my feet again in life. For those who know me well enough, you know how very much I like the male gender and how much they are able to affect my life.

All my life, I have encountered many males from different shapes, sizes, ethics, cultures and races. I got to thinking the other day,"Why should I always let myself suffer so much pain because of men?"

After some enlightening thoughts from friends about turning to the other side, maybe it is not such a bad idea afterall. This is merely because of my one love that has shattered my heart and I don't think I am able to fall in love with a man again for a long time.

Will the females instead, be able to change my mind? Will they be able to make me fall in love again? The thought about being in a relationship with the person of the same gender was no different than being in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex? I wondered about the consequences about switching over. Would my friends cast me aside just because I don't prefer people of the opposite sex anymore? Would I only have friends who are gay and not straight? Would I be able to be straight again? Will I ever be able to trust men again?

This thought of confusion has made me think of many scenarios, like if I were to be able to fit in with the rest of the people back at home. Will they be able to accept me for who I have become? Will I be able to have a domestic partner of the same sex that the neighbours will be able to accept?

Besides, what does it matter if I do end up with a male or a female? I've gotten my heart broken so badly that I have closed the doors to love and hope so it makes no difference in the gender. For those who have any comments about my future sexual preference, please leave me a comment or two to let me know what you all think.

Finding My Way : Another Stab To The Heart

2006-07-24T11:42:00.000+08:00

Yes, this may seem really dramatic of me to constantly whine about my love life but this is what has been happening to me lately. I believe that Love is the most powerful source of energy that a person could have. Love can affect everything. If you don't have love, you might as well not live anymore...what purpose is there?

Just last night I was in Colombo for a flight and spent my layover clubbing (my new drug), and drinking(another new drug) which lead to a very enlightening situation. I had one too many to drink and ended up dancing on the bar in the club with a complimentary bottle of rum from the company. As usual, I went back to my hotel and then (what I was told) I called my ex-boyfriend. Apparently I told him many things and was crying on the phone to him. I can't really recall what I said to him though, but I knew it was definetely something about how I really honestly felt for him.

When I woke up in the evening, with a massive hangover and with the ceiling spinning, I recalled speaking to my ex-boyfriend but I was not too sure if it really did happen. I called him to speak about it and he said I really did. The fear of having to hear what I had to say the night before was excruciating. Then, there it was, he dropped the news like how he would just stab a dagger into my chest, "I've been seeing someone".

My heart stopped.

Images of our relationship went flashing past my eyes, his smile, our kisses, our days of cuddling at home, our making love just two months ago.... it felt like I have just been stabbed with the dagger over and over again until I could not feel anything anymore. Could I still be friends with him since he gave up so easily and so soon? What was all the "I love you's" that has been proclaimed all about? Why the strong feelings while making love two months ago after our relationship ended? I honestly didn't know what to do.

Should I hate him? For the simple reasons for not giving us another chance? Or rather disappointed in him for not believing in love as much as I do? Should I be upset at him for replacing me with some girl he barely knows in which, just as a rebound? Why can't he take a chance on me like I did on him when he asked me to figure out what I really wanted in life?

When he told me to figure out what I really wanted in life, I was shit scared of finding out. I honestly was not prepared for what I was about to realise. After I ended our relationship earlier this year, I realised that the one thing that I was scared of was to be in a serious commitment with him. I always felt inadequate to him, inferior to him and everyone else. I was never smarter than any girl you can find in Accenture, neither am I prettier than them with their high maintenance of caing for their hair and nails or expensive suits that they wear everyday. I knew I was not good enough that was why I constantly had to prove myself everyday to everyone that I could be like them. I too could be the girl of his dreams. I tried. The things I realised made me ready for him but he chose to give up. I was too late.

He tells me that he wants to concentrate on work and not think about relationship. Next thing he tells me is that he has been seeing someone else. How was I supposed to digest that? The love of my life stabbing me ...

I guess this is the time for me to close the doors to hope and love.

Finding My Way : A Night Out With The Elite Crowd in Dubai Part 2

2006-07-11T20:53:00.000+08:00

In my other post A Night Out With The Elite Crowd in Dubai, I mentioned that my picture would be posted on the local magazine in Dubai. Sure enough, it came out. Here's how dazzling I looked. (I'm glad to know that with all these heartache I still have not lost my sene of ego)

Finding My Way : My New Drug

2006-07-11T20:37:00.000+08:00

Drugs are often known as substances consumed by one in order to be able to feel the high at the moment, or also to forget whatever miseries that one is facing. Often it is used by people who are depressed with the way things work out in life or also by another group of people who just want to have fun feeling the sensation of it.

Ever since my worse decision in my life which also lead to a realisation of what I wanted in life, my new designer drug was partying. The booze and the music often can be found anywhere in Dubai. From one club to another, there I was hoping I was able to forget him. Unfortunately I couldn't. Consuming more alcohol would only make me feel sick instead of the same rush I get when I see him. The nights passed, then weeks. It has turned into an addiction for me to get out there and forget all about it in the atmosphere of loud banging music and sweaty moving bodies with the stench of alcohol. Has partying become the new designer drug in town?

Has my addiction to this new 'drug' influenced my feelings for him? Honestly, no. It has done nothing. The only thing it has done is to make me forget for a short duration but it doesn't seem to be working. Was it because I was merely a recreational user and not a habitual user? Perhaps if I was a habitual user, I would be able to forget about the pain inside. Who knows, we shall see if it works.

Finding My Way : Self-distraction

2006-07-10T06:04:00.000+08:00

My biggest step to try to move on would be moving out from my apartment in Dubai in which I had roomates from Malaysia. Everyone would think, lucky me for having placed with people from my own home-country. It's not what they think. Things weren't going as well as I hoped for it to be as, they were not really the kind of people that are like me, you know, crazy out going people who live life to the fullest.

Anyways, they were nice people, the kinds who are like, you live your life, I live mine, so stay out of it kinda people. The place had a massive kitchen, and HUGE living hall, fully equipped with all the furnitures a house needs, along with three bedrooms and four baths. As I was the most junior in the house, I was given the bathroom with no bathtub, and a leaking tap as a bonus. Days passed and soon enough, months. I didn't see them much as they were either flying or hanging out with their boyfriend.

On my first day I shifted in, I was given the tour and briefing on the house rules. Every house has to have a house rule, fair enough. So, the first thing she told me was,"If you feel like moving out with your friend, do inform us as soon as possible so we are able to epect it". Man, I just moved in and you're telling me about moving out? Ok, I shrugged the shocked look off my face. Then when we reached the living hall, she told me,"The dvd player is mine and the tv is shared between me and the other girl so feel free to use it but when we are home, just let us use it, ok?" Ok, I may have used to be working in a broadcasting station before but I'm NOT that much of a tv freak. I was under the impression she was telling me to back off from her tv. Eventually after a couple of months of observation, I realised she was indirectly telling me to BACK OFF! She was a tv chinese-kung-fu-sword-slashing-series maniac!

Everyday I was in my room spending most of my days off and free time on the Internet. I diverted most of my concentration towards buying gadgets like Gameboy Advance SP, lcd monitor/tv screen 26", brand new CPU with extra hard disk space and wireless card connection, brand new digital camera, brand new handphone, dvd player, PlayStation 2 and a minibar fridge. All these were in my room and it was more of me renting a room rather than sharing an apartment with them.

After seven months and several attempts along with countless crying nights, I have finally decided that I should move and have a healthier lifestyle. I shifted in to a smaller apartment but with a healthy roomate relationship. I am currently in one of Dubai's famous landmarks and am on the 48th floor. This building is 52 floors, by the way. It's a three-bedroom apartment which is occupied by a Tunisian-French and an Egyptian. Now, my tv, dvd player, ps2 and computer is in the living hall and i spend more time in the living hall as compared to my room. For once I felt so free.

I hung out with them more than anyone I used to when I was living in the old place. I met the neighbours, they would come over to hang out and they are very nice guys. Many party nights with my roomate and crazy sleepless nights before a flight. It is a tiring life but I guess I traded a quiet lonely one for this, crazy havoc and chaotic lifestyle.

I do still think about the heartache from time to time when I am alone at home but then I try to divert my concentration to some other things like clubbing and drinking. I try to do the things that I would advise friends to do after a heartbreaking inccident but somehow I feel as though my heart has to be made out of stone to be able to forget about it. I guess this is part of life's lessons, to be able to see how far we are able to pull through and how much heartache we are able to put up with.

Finding My Way : The truth truth

2006-07-01T21:52:00.000+08:00

Never have I imagined that I would be the one in this disposition. It was always other people who are heartbroken who came to me for advice and a shoulder to cry on. This time, the tables were turned and it was me who was heartbroken.

When I mentioned in my previous post that my ex's friend was upset at me for breaking my ex's heart, well, this time I gave them a call and told them that it was my heart that was broken and that they should not be angry at me anymore. I guess this time we are even.

Just when you feel you have everything in your hands and because of love which would affect everything, once love is affected, everything crumbles. You feel like you have lost everything, and nothing to gain. Everything is in a mess and nobody is there for you.

I cried my heart out when I spoke to *him on the phone. I didn't know if it was more of dissapointment or upset that I was feeling towards him. Bottomline, he doesn't see us happening anymore. It made me cry even more. I cut myself and punched the bedframe, nothing seemed to hurt more than what I was feeling inside. My hands were feeling numb but my heart, it felt like it shattered to a million pieces.

I sat there, lost in a daze. Didn't know what to do next, what to say and where to go. Who knew that the great and mighty WildfirePrincess would crumble one day. And this was the day.

Finding My Way : This Is For You....

2006-06-26T20:47:00.000+08:00

In your post, Dancing in An Empty Roon you mentioned about something that reminded you of what you were fighting for... I wished it had never changed. Unfortunately it did for you.

You had gone through too much pain to endure more, I understand and it is me at fault for it. I have already I regret my decision to have left you and I wished I never did made that decision. I finally did what you have always told me to, which is to find out what I really wanted in life and be honest with both you and me.

I finally did it. I realised what I wanted and I spat out the courage to be honest about it after hanging on for four months. Unfortunately it was not good enough for you. Should I have done what you always wanted me to do? Should I have not done it would things be any different?

I wished things were different and I wished I could find a way to express myself, but the only thing I am capable of doing is nothing. My friends and family worry about my health as to my constant crying and feeling of depression. Who knew that love would affect people so strongly. Who knew it would affect me so much as it was 'just another' relationship to them?

For once at least I knew it wasn't 'just another' relationship as any other. At least I knew this was different. At least I knew that I did see the bigger picture and was being prepared for the future. Unfortunately when I did, it was already too late. At least I knew I was honest and sincere about how I really feel. At least I knew I really wanted a future with you.

Finding My Way : A Night Out With The Elite Crowd in Dubai

2006-06-23T22:18:00.000+08:00

Last night was spent very worthily as it was a friend's parents' 30th Wedding Anniversary and their relative's engagement party. More of like a double celebration. As I have only been in Dubai for the past 6 months, (actually only half the time of 6 months I was here. The other half was either on the plane or at other countries)I barely know many people. So this friend of mine, her father-in-law is the owner of an events management company in Dubai, which so happens to be a massive and well-known company to the society here.

To me, as like any typical Malaysian, when I was invited for the wedding anniversary, I thought it was just a simple get together by some friends, and have dinner, probably some drinks and that was it. Little did I know it was something big and posh, which was some black suit and dinner gowns kinda thing.

While I was in the car and we were approaching the villa, I could hear loud music, and colourful lights flashing with a stage and a disco ball. Immediately, I looked at myself thinking,"Am I wearing something nice enough? Do I really look ok? What if someone asks me what am I doing here when I am not famous?" I was so nervous I was practically shitting bricks!

I was in a black gown, which was one of the gifts from my ex-boyfriend and high-heels straps. My hair was straight (naturally!) and I did some curls on the sides and back. I had slight make-up on just to enhance the attire I was in, not knowing what I was about to face. I must say I looked pretty decent with a black bare-backed dress but my wrist was wrapped in gauze made me look like Mike Tyson's girlfriend in a dress!!

I got out of the car, palms sweating, gripping onto my purse with my good hand and my bandaged hand was just hanging off my shoulder. The moment I set a foot past the villa gates, everyone just stopped talking and turned their faces towards me. I was struck with a moment of silence and was dumbfounded. By the way, did I forget to mention that these friends of mine were a mix of Indians and Pakistanis? So I was the only non-Indian person at the party. You seriously have no idea how I felt, For one, I felt as though I was in India, being in a confined area filled with so many of them! They were just starring at me!! Whatever I did, wherever I moved and whatever I said. Everyone were speaking in Hindi and that made me felt even more left out. So I did what I did best, I tried mingling and observed many people.

There were cameras everywhere, photographers and also video cameras. These were people from the press. I seriously had no idea that my friend's father-in-law was such a well-renowned person in Dubai. When I was at the gates, I was saved for a split moment by one of the press asking for my photo. I was asked to step outside the gates where there were decorations with flowers and also away from the rest of the crowd. After that, I went inside and looked for the host of the villa to congratulate him. He is such a sweet man. Very kind and humble but yet influencial.

The stage was filled with the younger crowd dancing and shaking their thang to the Indian R&B tunes. The music was excellent thanks to their talented DJ. I was dragged many times to the floor to the Hindi tunes. Dumbstruck and didn't know what the lyrics mean, I just did what the rest of them did, and I guess it turned out pretty well. (In another prespective, I made a fool out of myself) I was told by the host of the party that everyone was wondering who I was as I was the centre of attraction last night (Hey, if the situatiuon was reversed, like one Indian in an all Malaysian-Chinese party.... you know what I mean). So apparently according to the host, I was supposed to be his girlfriend last night.

After staying the whole night last night outdoors at 35 degree celcius, everyone left pretty early. The older crowd left at midnight and all of us were left having a good time on the dance floor. I met some nice chaps who were having nice conversations with me..at least while it lasted. They were talking to me nicely and then after a few sentences and one whisper from one guy to another behind my back, they all left me sitting alone. Was it what I said? Was is how I said it? I thought I did something wrong. Little did I know that there was some guy who was THREATENING all the guys to stay away from me.

The party was fun for me at least. Apparently there were some pretty important people there as well, which I have no idea who but I guess I will find out in the papers or magazines soon! So much for my first experience in an elite social get-together!

Finding My Way : Regret Or Denial?

2006-06-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

I do apologise for those who have been fairly agitated at the fact that I have not been a loyal blogger. These days, blogging seems like a monthly ritual...somewhat like a menstrual periods for women.

These are for the ladies...

Have you ever had a boyfriend which has fulfilled your every relationship needs which you left? Well, I did. I left my 'Mr. Perfect' not so long ago. He was a guy which every mother would want as a son-in-law, he was the guy that you would want to spend your whole lifetime with and probably the next, if you do believe in reincarnation.

My 'Mr.Perfect' would come home to me every night when I was still struggling for a living in Kuala Lumpur. He would never cheat on me, or even put the silly idea into my head, eventhough I know that there are some horny bitches out there ready to pounce on him at any opportunity they get. Anyways, he would be there in times of need, for the good and for the bad, during laughter and in tears. He was always there. These were the qualities that was in him, and also not forgetting that I had to constantly pick up after him and at times, he'd help pick up after me.

Never in my 9 years of dating have I met a guy who has all these qualities. He was THE man for me. Heck, I'd dare to even say that my mum liked him, even though she only met him a couple of times. But, not every relationship islike a bed of roses. It was not his mistake, it was mine. I didn't know what possesed me and I left my 'Mr.Perfect'. My reasoning behind it was that I wanted 'fireworks and passion'. What kind of an excuse is that? I guess the thing was I was getting bored of the CONSISTENCY he was driving in the relationship. It was the same thing everyday, every weekend, every night, everytime. There were no longer sparks of passion and surprises and wake me up kisses, it was merely as dead as a decomposing corpse would be.

After shifting to Dubai, and leaving him, it seemed like I was supposed to be facing new adventures, new people, new life with all the glamour, one-night-stands (if I ever get lucky) and posh dinners. I'm afraid it was way beyond what I expected it to be. Instead of getting those all of the above, I was left alone and depressed with nobody to turn to and nobody to trust.

I was thinking the other day, will I ever be able to find somebody like my 'Mr.Perfect' again? Heck, since it's been four months since me and 'Mr.Perfect' have not been together I was filled with a lot or regret and sadness. If he were to propose to me anytime, I'd give up everything I worked for in Dubai just to be with him. I would move back just to be with him even it means giving up my dreams.

I don't know what would be scarier, to find out the fact that he's seeing someone new or to know that I've lost him forever. But there is one thing for sure that I know of, and it is that I will always, always love him no matter if fate doesn't put us together.

Finding My Way : Ex's Friends

2006-05-16T03:06:00.000+08:00

It tickles me to think back of the friends that we make in our everyday life through mutual friends, through the boyfriend or girlfriend at that time or even, through work place alone. Making friends are one thing but how sincere the friendship is depends on oneself. When I was dating my ex-boyfriend, I've met plenty of his friends, some of which he'd call real 'friends'. Things were great when he had to drag me along to the boring work-place 'friends' meet. They would act all nice and sweet and wanna get to know you more. In other words, pretentious to be interested. This may sound cynical and mean but it's reality. Maybe they may not have those sort of intentions, but who am I to judge anyway?

Initially, I thought that they were really sincerely nice to me. All the while I had the thought of them being great friends from what I've heard from my ex. As time passes, things changed. The relationship with my ex ended but we still remained friends. I thought that his friends would not have anything against me as, this relatipnship was between me and my ex alone. I was not expecting his 'friends' to get involved in it. Little did I know that his friends were unsatisfied with the fact that I made the decision to end the relationship and it had to hurt my ex. In a way, they are great friends because they care for him by being protective but where were they when the relationship was going well? So, they were only nice to me only when I was 'the girlfriend' and therefore should not be nice to me when i was merely 'the ex who ditched their friend'?

How was this ever fair to me? I was never mean to them. I treated them the same as I did before and was not expecting them to act this way. I was expecting them to be more matured about relationship matters. Whoever gave them the right to have a say in MY relatiohsip anyway? It sort of leaves me in the position where I do not have the right to make the decision in my relationship alone. What is this crap man?

What really pissed me of was when I was out with my ex *Alex, we were having a great time catching up and talking about work when we had to drop by his office to return something to his work-mate 'friend', *Aileen. When me and *Alex were boyfriends and girlfriends, she would sing praises as to how *Alex loves me and how I was good as his girlfriend to take care of him. She was very nice to me that I was quite intimidated by her. Little did I know that she would act the way she did when me and *Alex were no longer in a relationship. She came to the car and *Alex opened the window at the passenger seat (where I was sitting) and practically ignored me. "Hi Alex, thanks for dropping this by. See you!" I was stunned. I was just about to raise my hand to say, "Hi Aileen, how have you been?" but I guess it was a wee bit too late and her actions were not only rude, they were immature and unethical. Just because I was no longer *Alex's girlfriend, does this mean she had the right to ignore me? And the ironic part of it was, just before we went to pass her the thing, me and *Alex were talking about how his friends at work are almost his 'real' friends. Is this what a 'real' friend would do? Sure shows a lot of her true colours and how true she would be as a friend.

I guess we have to be very careful to whom we call a 'friend'. At the end of the day, all I can say about *Aileen is that she is nothing more than just a pretentious, selfish man-looking, plastic biatch who thinks that she's everything just cause of the fact that she graduated in some science degree and is in an international company.

Finding My Way : Innocent Intentions

2006-03-08T05:49:00.000+08:00

Purely Innocent

As I've only been flying for one month, I have gained many experinces in the cabin about the familiarization and the how-to's on getting rid of pesky passengers. On some flights, we tend to get nice and not so demanding passengers. But on SOME flights, you get passengers demanding for fish when the options are merely chicken or beef. As a stewardess on board, what can you expect her to do? There are about 400 people confined in an aluminium tube 40,000 feet of the ground and what, you expect her to open the door and start fishing there and then?!? The expectations of some people can really drive you nuts sometimes. There was one occasion where a passenger was complaining about the light being too dim. It wasn't bring enough for her reading. My answer to her was,"well madame, why not turn on the other light next to you?" She goes,"It still isn't bright enough". Man, what can I do?!? "If I could get the light to be brighter for you, I definitely would madame, but I am no technician and there is just a certain limit to what I can to to help see to your comfort". She was pissed. "So, there is no choice then? So I just have to tolerate then? NEVERMIND". gheesee. talk about high expectations.. What more should she expect when she's merely paying for economy seat? I was so ticked off I wanted to tell her, "Why didn't you just pay for business class? The lights there are slightly brighter? But if you can't afford it, then I guess you'll just have to settle for the not-so-bright lights in economy - as what you paid for". I was not at all being rude to her, I was merely being realistic and had no intentions of being rude to her.

On Seniors

How do we really get to handle our seniors? Well, I have not learned much in this aspect yet but I can tell you there are many different ways as to how they handle their job. My last flight was to Birmingham and there were mostly asian crews on board. As many would know, Asians are reputable for their hard work as well as organised manner when they work. Our Senior, who was in charge of all of us, was not doing anything where as we were the ones running around like headless chickens around the cabin, attending to 400 passengers. He is a nice guy no doubt about it but when working in that manner, expecting the juniors to do his job for him? Is it anywhere near professional at all? Anyways, during my layover at Birmingham, I was in the crew lounge in the hotel, doing Sudoku and he came in. Next thing I knew, he was holding my down with his weight, trying to take advantage of the situation, the moment and me. I was begging and begging for him to let go and not touch me. He merely ignored. When he saw tears running down my cheeks, that was when he stopped.... As for now, I am hoping it was a bad dream that would just go away. A bad dream that will never come back to haunt me.

Finding My Way : Parting Ways

2006-02-16T14:53:00.000+08:00

Are we still friends?

When a couple breaks up, most of them often end up being total strangers to each other. Why do such things happen? Is it really necessary for people to disregard what they shared with their partner for a certain amount of time to little pieces of nothings after a huge row? For my case, I often make the first move in wanting to be friends eventhough we no longer can share a relationship together. Most of the guys are pretty ok with it but some of them cannot even have that thought in their mind.

Can we really not be friends anymore after sharing what was once declared as the most beautiful experiences in life? Do we really deserve to be hurt that much that we should disregard the fact of knowing each other even? Should we punish ourselves this way by forcing ourselves to NOT acknowledge the fact that we were once a loving couple which cannot be together anymore?

Many would ask why things end up this way. I would dare to come up and explain to them that it is merely caused by many factors. One of which would be the third parties. His friends. His friends who would care for him would not be nice and pleasant to me because I was the one who ended the relationship. Do they, as his friends have the right to do so? By being nasty to me just because he is the one hurthing? Yes, you can be a good and the best of friends by showing your support but by being all nasty to the person who decided to end the relationship, is that not childish? But yet, I was the one being spat 'Childish and Immature' for stating out what really happened. Do I really deserved it? First of all, why are the friends getting themselves involved in this relationship in the first place anyway? Were they around to celebrate our love when we were together? Why are they only being seen to only when we broke up? Do his friends have the right to get all pissed off at me for simply ending the relationship?

It hurts to know that the person whom you once loved before has changed his ways of thinking. Being all cynical but at the same time not knowing the fact that I of all people, am trying to be realistic. Do I have to have a heart of stone to be realistic? Should I not be hurt and cry when I end the relationship? Or should I say, do I not have the right to be hurt when I am the one ending the relationship? It seems like I am not allowed to be hurt. It seems like if I am the one ending the relationship, I should not be hurt, I should not cry and I should not wallow about it. Instead, I should jump about with joy and celebrate the occasion of being single again.

What is the world coming to that even two people who were lovers cannot see eye to eye even after a decision of ending the relationship? A couple who once were very much in love with each other but not anymore. For me, I just hope that we can be friends again, that is, if he would allow it. But his restrictions as to being friends with me would only be accessible only if I was hurting as much as he was. Is this how friendship really works nowadays?

Finding My Way : Expectations in Life

2006-01-28T05:07:00.000+08:00

How much should we expect in life?

How much should one expect in life? Most people would say expect the highest in everything they do. Would you agree to that? Yes? No? Maybe? Well, for me, I would not say I don't have expectations in life. Like many others, I do. For example, I expect to meet the man of my dreams and settle down with him. But the thing is, how much should I be expecting if I were to expect?

Confusing as it may sound, let me spend some time to clarify how I do the whole 'expectations' in life. In everything I do, I do not expect that much. For example, the Emirates Cabin Crew interview. I was not expecting to get it at all. Honest. I just went and see how it went and I was chosen. Some of the girl who went cried their eyes out because they didn't make it through the next round. It made me think. Should I really expect as much as they do? I guess for me it is just plain simple, the more one would expect, the lower they would get if they don't get what they expect.

Expectations of flying

What are my expectations when I start to fly? Honestly, it's pretty hard to say. Many would say they expect to have a great time with the rest of the crews and expect to have minimal work to do onboard. Should I agree with them? Well, I do expect hard work, that is working like a dog in the first month of flights but I do not expect me to know what to do in the first few flights. It is hard to say what your expectations are especially when you have never really experienced it beforehand. I was in the sauna earlier this morning and stumbled upon a lady who came in the sauna naked. Well, anyways, she started talking to me about her expectations in life. She calls Dubai her home now. She has been here for 7 years. It got me thinking, would I dare to expect to be living in Dubai for 7 years? Would it be my next home? I was afraid of expecting that because what if I don't get to spend 7 years here in Dubai? What if things in life took a sudden turn and I had to move elsewhere? Would I be more devastated because I already set my expectations to live here?

Think about it, should we expect as much as we do? Or should we save ourselves the trouble of going through the hurt and pain by not expecting as much if our goals didn't turn out as we expected it to?

Finding My Way : Consequences of Life

2006-01-27T02:20:00.000+08:00

My Life

My life as it seems to many, is just plain simple. Happy-go-lucky girl with no problems, many friends, making most of life and no headaches at all. To those who think that way, you are so wrong! My life is full of drama. As it may seem to be filled with joy and laughter, it is all because of years of practice ; wearing a mask. Everyday I live my life by wearing a mask out the door from my house. I leave all personal feelings at home and not take them to work. Is this a healthy lifestyle to live? Not many notice it. Only a handful knows what I really have to go through.

The Happy Me

Many know me as the happy-go-lucky-girl. The crazy girl who is always loud and cheerful. How do I know all these, well, many have wrote the same things in my testimonial in friendster. Otherwise, I was verbally complemented that I am a crazy person and I should keep it up. I believe that joys and laughter can make someone's day. Sometimes, even a smile would do. Not many would expect this sort of mentality from me because they just think I am just crazy.

The Dramas

After moving to Dubai, I thought I had left all my dramas back in Malaysia. Starting a new life here, in a new city, with new environment. Who would've thought the dramas would follow me all the way here. My ex boyfriends are few of the most important people I would love to stay in contact with. Mainly because I believe that should we have not been fated together, it doesn't necessarily mean thathe doesn't deserve my friendship. Friendship means everything to me. It is basically my life. When I was younger, I never had a chance to have a close relationship with my sisters and family mainly because of my parent's divorce.The only people I had were my friends. We had close-knit relationships as we were growing up. I guess that's the main reson as to why I have problems with emotions when I loose a friend.

The Pen-Pal

When I was 13, I started building a close relatioship with this boy, John* who was a friend of my sister's. We were mostly chatting on the Internet chat room or we would talk on the phone. Not long after he graduated high school, he left for another country. Of course I was devastated. He was the only person I could ever confide all my personal feelings to throughtout the years and suddenly after 3 years, he had to go. The day he was about to leave, he was supposed to hand me something and coincidently it was Valentine's Day. I waited and waited at the place he said. He never came. I called John and he said to check my mailbox at home. When I did, I found a small red box with a small tube of perfume, lotion and a handmade friendship band with my name on it. That friendship band was given to him by me for his birthday the year before. In the box also conained a note stating that the friendship band is to be returned the next time we meet; it symbolises our friendship. As the years go by, John and I would converse via email, telephone and also via snail mail.
Until one day when me and John's best friend, Andy* started going out. When John found out about it, he was furious and somehow or rather he mentioned he was happy for us. At that moment in time, Andy couldn't face the fact that I went out with so many guys before and was upset so he decided to ask some advice from John since both me and John knew each other for so long. Instead, John reffered to me as a slut. When I found out that Andy actually agreed to that I was furious! Like excuse me for trying to find love when I was younger. That was the bomb for me. I just had to go. Immediately I left Andy because it was nothing I could have posssibly forgive someone for. After the relationship with Andy, i had decided not to keep in contact with John anymore as to what he said about me has really hurt my feelings. Could you possibly imagine, a friend who has been sharing your life growing up together just comes to a conclusion stating that you are a slut instead of understanding all those years of conversing through mails in addition based on his anger that me and his best friend went out together. Not so many days ago he confessed that he did had a crush on me during high school and was dissapointed that neither me nor Andy told him that we were seeing each other. Did this give him a right to angry at me and vent out his anger on me cause I went out with his best friend? He mentioned he stopped caring for me because I was not the same sensitive person as before. The only reason to that was because I was being realistic.

The Ex : Andy*

After me and Andy broke up, he was devastated that he tried shutting me out. I didn't want to loose him as a friend. I still cared for him. I tried calling him to keep in contact but it was no more than a one way conversation with him only answering,"Umm, Yeah, No, Eh, Ah". Yes, it was like I was talking to someone with speech disorder but sigh, that was what I had to put up with. For those who know me really well, you know how short my temper is. I could have just cut him off and said,"Fuck you, you stupid fucker, here I am trying to be your friend and you're not complying but yet you are always meeting my mum back in Kch!" What's the deal with him? Apparently, he's still in love with me. I tried making him NOT love me but it doesn't seem to work. What can I say? At least I tried being his friend. I tried be there for him when he got mugged. Lost his mobile phone and some cash. Immediately I went over to see him after I got the news. I gave him my spare SIM card and some cash for him to live by throughout the month. Instead of being thankful, he was leashing out his tantrum on me with nasty messages through my handphone. After one year, I got a job with a local broadcasting company and i called him after many months of not contacting him. I just wanted to see how he was doing with his studies. Again he was being cold and not very responsive. Again I got very irritated but I didn't want to say anything else to him. I guess I was hopeful to be able to be his friend again rather than loose him. The last time I spoke to him was the night I was about to leave to Dubai. He had no idea I was leaving. Again the conversation went on like the usual one word answer, but after I told him I was leaving for good, he suddenly became very responsive. He asked questions and started mentioning many other things into details. That was last I heard of him.

The Ex : Mark*

Mark* was my senior at work. He would guide me and help me sort things out if I didn't know how do them. Anyways, to cut the long story short, Mark basically had the most evil intention, which was to marry me. I didn't know all these until after we broke up. So there was, in the relationship and one thing about this relationship was that he was constantly pampering me with a sorts of materilistic goods like, dressing me up in clothings he's buy, let me drive his Merz, he wanted to dress me up from head to toe! Literally! He almost bought me boots from Amsterdam! Then one day, it all fell into place. I realised I was basically his Barbie Doll. Come on, playing dress ups?!? Anyways, I just got a phone call from Mark yesterday mentioning that he was coming over to Dubai to stay with me for a couple of months. This totally freaked me out. I immediately started an arguement with him for the simple reason as to not have this drama follow me to Dubai.

The Conclusion

Some may say I asked for it, I asked for the Drama to follow me but I assure you, the only reason as to why I handed out my contact details are to stay as friends with them. I had no idea it would come this far as to them wanting to come over to stay with me. Overall, I choose to believe the good in people and I value their friendship because the value of friendship is what keeps me going everyday in my life. The pain and hurt I have to go through for loosing a friend is not necessary but it happens. I guess I have no chance to turn back time to get them . Too bad things had to turn out this way.

* names are subsituted to protect character's indentities.

2006-01-24T04:46:00.000+08:00

The Jumeira Beach. Nice sand, nice water, nice weather but....cold wind... brrr

2006-01-24T04:42:00.000+08:00

Meet my family - Baby Johnny and Hubby Steve.

2006-01-24T04:41:00.000+08:00

Me with injured arm.

2006-01-24T04:33:00.000+08:00

Souk Madinat Jumeira with Burj Al-Arab in the background. Fantastic view.

2006-01-24T04:31:00.000+08:00

Night view on Souk Madinat Jumeira. Its like an arabian mall by the Burj Al-Arab. Very nice view at night.

2006-01-24T04:28:00.000+08:00

During the ditching practice, we were freezing our asses off in the water and we had to take certain positions to keep ourselves warm. Couldn't stop shivering.

2006-01-24T04:27:00.000+08:00

Christmas Party at one of the First Officer's villa. It was superb. All cabin crews (my batch) and the first officers.

2006-01-24T04:22:00.000+08:00

This was right before we went for the simulator class. We all look like astranauts. White jumpers with socks. Not forgetting the red lipstick and red scrunchie.

2006-01-24T04:21:00.000+08:00

The pool beside the aircraft simulator as a 'sea' for the ditching situation. The water is FREEZING cold.

2006-01-24T04:19:00.000+08:00

This is my classmates. All races from all over the world. This was taken after our turbulance simulation. We were all still shaken by the experience.

2006-01-24T04:17:00.000+08:00

The flight simulator is used to train us for our safety and emergency procedures class. It's cool. It really is a plane...well, without the cockpit and wings.

2006-01-24T04:10:00.000+08:00

The side view of the Museum of Dubai. This structure was used as a prison, a fort, a house and also a castle. It still stands until today as a historical structure. (The inside is air-conditioned) It looks ike a desert house.

2006-01-24T04:05:00.000+08:00

Inside Merkato Mall. It's nice and cosy as it is small but has enough shops to accomodate to people from different age categories. The architechture of the buildings here are superb. Interior designing is fabulous.

2006-01-24T04:01:00.000+08:00

The sky-scrapers area, Shiekh Zayed Road. Here you can find the Emirates Towers, 21st Century Tower, Dusit Dubai, Shangri-La Hotel, Crowne Plaza Hotel and many more towers. Most of the towers are leased for cabin crew accomodation.

2006-01-24T03:59:00.000+08:00

The Semi-Detached type houses here in Dubai. All of the houses here are flat roofed. It may look strange on the outside but it looks gorgeous on the inside. These houses are average cost houses which costs from 2 mil Dhs each.

2006-01-24T03:54:00.000+08:00

An image of the view I get from my bedroom window, Dubai is definetely a city that never sleeps. The trafic just keeps moving and it doesn't stop at all around the clock. This is one of the main roads in Dubai, Sheikh Zayed Road, where all the tall sky-scrapers are at.

2006-01-24T03:49:00.000+08:00

The morning I arrived, I was escorted to my permanent residence and I was so not expecting it to be like a hotel. This is a picture of my bedroom complete with everything. All I needed was myself and some clothes.

Finding My Way : Moving On

2006-01-18T21:07:00.000+08:00

After making all arrangements for leaving for my new job, it was very tough as to give out items which I had worked so hard to buy for my house. It was all given away to friends and family. Even so, the new adventure has yet to begin. Day by day passed and the thought of leaving my boyfriend was hurting me more and more deep inside. Honestly, I didn't know what I should do. Should I express myself openly or should I just shield it from him so it wouldn't hurt him as much? I have decided to shield it from him. I acted happy and excited all the way from his home to the airport.

When we were at the departing hall, I was keeping a poker face to hide my sad feelings from him. I didn't want any tears. That was the last of what I would want when we leave each other. It shouldn't involve tears. He just stood there and gazed into my eyes longingly. I knew he was really hurt inside and didn't want me to leave but he had to because it was for my own future. I am glad that he was not selfish to leave me without a future. Tears welled up in his eyes and he started sniffling. I assured him that everything was going to be fine and shrugged away my tears with a smile. The moment I entered the hall, the sight of him grew smaller and smaller. I couldn't see him wave as much and his face was getting more blur. Tears started building up in my eyes and I couldn't stop them from flowing. I had to tell myself to not look back. Just keep walking ahead and wait for the new adventure to begin.

Throughout the time in the terminal I was constantly talking to him on the phone even in the plane before take off. The moment the plane started moving, I just had to turn off my phone and my heart felt so heavy to press onto the off button. I knew that leaving my home town is going to be hard and what's worse was leaving my boyfriend behind. The only way I could console myself was that there was a brand new adventure waiting for me at the other end of the destination.

Only when I got to Dubai did I realise how much he loves me. How much he is willing to give up for me. It made me think that I was not good enough for him. Was I really worth all the trouble? Was I worth his future? What is it that I have got that he knows that I don't know of? He constantly kept in touch with me via the Internet and was very careful with the time he calls me. He would stay up late just to chat for 5 minutes with me on the net and then go to sleep for a few hours to go to work the next day.

The day I arrived in Dubai was 2 weeks before our 1 year anniversary. I missed this year's christmas with him and our very first anniversary. I know how much it hurts him but we both had no other choice. Hopefully things will make a big turn in the near future.

I love you my darling sweetheart.

Finding My Way : Monsters in-law?

2005-11-28T05:17:00.000+08:00

I am pretty sure many girls would understand how I feel when I tell them that my boyfriend's mother hate me. The usual occurances would be :

1. Ignoring your existance
2. Saying how rude you are
3. Picking your every flaws
4. Only being nice whenever other people are around

Aren't all these signs of the boyfriend's mother being rather unruly towards us, the girlfriends? We try to be nice and all modest to her but then she can never put past in her mind that her little baby boy's now all grown up.

Are all mothers like that? Being all protective and insecure? Was it due to she herself knowing what women are capeable of and is trying to protect her son from us younger generations? Or is it because she wants someone excactly like her to be her future daughter-in-law? I guess the mentality they have would be that the younger generation are never as good and can never replace people like them. Or was it because they feel once their son is gone, they can never see them again? Or is it because they are no longer the only women in their son's life?

This issue is being brought up because it happens in every family no matter where we are. The moral of the story would be to never only have one child, be it a boy or girl because they are to feel the pressure of what their spouses are going through.

Finding My Way : A New Life?

2005-11-27T19:05:00.000+08:00

People are always looking for loopholes in their daily boring routine so that they are able to take that one step to change their lives. For instance, buying 4-digit numbers in high hopes that their number might actually win first prize so they can have tonnes of cash and live happily with their easily earned cash.

For me, well, it all happened one fine day when I had a sudden urge to buy newspapers. As everyone who knows me well enough, I do not read.. and the urge to buy the Saturday Star was startling enough for me. It was strange. I just flipped and flipped as though I was searching for something. I didn't know what I was looking for but I knew I was looking for something. Then, just when my hand stopped flipping the pages, I saw it. Right at the bottom right corner of the page... A recruitment for Cabin Crew with Emirates.

Was it fate? It was too early to tell. Was I supposed to flip to that page? So, I went for the interview. Was not really that prepared for it but I did fill in all the requirements. Took a photo of me in full length and also passport sized, made a cover letter and updated my resume, took a copy of all my certificates...the works...only during the night before the interview.

The day came. I was so tired as I was working the night before. Went back home at 3+ in the morning. I was so exhausted that I nearly gave up on going to the interview. Then, as I lay there facing the ceiling I thought to myself, should I go? Part of me said, "Nah, you're wasting your time. You need more sleep." The other part of me said, "What the heck do you think you're doing?! You didn't just stumble on the ad for no reason, you know?" So I got up and prepared myself for it.

The experience was unimagineable. Surrounded by mostly other experienced cabin crews from other airlines, I was scared out of my gutts. My confidence was nowhere to be found. There were about more than 100 eager and confident faces. Mine wasn't one of them. I felt so ugly among all of them. It was so tempting for me to just walk out of the hotel and pretended I never saw anything and be on my way home. Just when I had gathered my courage to do that, the lady in the front desk started going through everyone's photos, seeing if the photos are suitable for the application form. Being late, I was the last in line. The front desk looked so small from where I was standing. The lady worked her way from the front of the line, chasing the ones with inappropriate photos off to the instant-photo man outside. My photo was ok, surprisingly as it was not professionally done. So being the last in line, I was then first. Was it coincidence?

The first round was a group of 10 sitting in a circle, discussing about the issue of being a fresh graduate in a new company and the challanges they have to face. Everyone was promoting themselves to the recruitment officer. "Oh, I was a cabin crew with this airline and the people there are so unkind","Oh, I am a cabin crew with so-and-so airline and the seniors are always bullying me". I was stumped. The rest of the girls were dominating the discussion. What was I supposed to do? Oh well, I had to be rash. I had to participate and be a team member... damn. So I 'discussed' and I wasn't siding anyone's issue but I was pretty diplomatic as I agreed to the point from the skinny girl and I agreed to the girl with the crooked teeth. After that session, and having the recruitment officer staring at each and everyone of us, we were asked to sit outside and wait for our results. I was pretty nervous but I didn't keep my hopes up so high as I didn't want to be too devastated if I didn't get it. After 15 horrible minutes of waiting in suspense, we got the letter of result. I was one of the 3 who got through. Two experienced cabin crews and me, a rookie. Another coincidence?

From 100+ applicants, the number was cut down to 62. The second round was almost similar to the first. A group of 10 in a circle. Second round-part 1 : Discuss among each other about the 3 people you have to save from a raft with 5 people who consist of a scientist at the brink of finding a cure for cancer, a reputable heart surgeon, a priest, a beauty queen and wife of politician and a professional violin kid. Who would you save and why. The first thing that came to my mind was to ditch the beauty queen and the kid. Call me heartless and cynical but that's the way life goes, we need more people who are able to contribute to humanity in the world, rather than some narcicistic bitch and nosy kid. But being 'diplomatic' me, I went for the Doctor, the Scientist and the Kid. Another 15 horrifying minutes of waiting for the letter of result. Again I was one of the 2 who got through. The other was a cabin crew and me, a rookie. Another coincidence?

From 62 applicants, now the number reduced to 22. Second round-part 2 : A group of 15 in a circle. Discuss what preparations are to be made for a party of 30 children; blind, deaf and dumb. The girl who was pissed at me about the whole 'ditching the beauty queen' incident was up and against my idea of bringing the kids to a safe and hygenic indoor children's playground. Her idea was to bring them to do 'Children's Yoga'.... we were all speechless about her idea. I must say...she is a dumb blond. We were all bickering and agreeing on where to bring the kids and what preparations are to be made and then...TIME'S UP!! Our 15 minustes of waiting was here. The letter came, and I was one of the 3 chosen. Another coincidence?

From 22 applicants, went down to 19 applicants. Second round-part 3 : English Test. Simple test which was for one half hour but I was done in 15 minutes. I didn't dare to go out as everyone looked real busy writing and all. The question for the essay was "If you had a chance to spend a day with someone famous, who would it be and why?" Honestly, my mind was blank. I wanted to write about someone inspirational, like our past prime minister, Dr. Mahatir but then I didn't remember his whole Y.B title thingy so I didn't want to risk that. Instead the only person that was swimming in my mind was Angelina Jolie because some girls were talking about how tick her lips were during our 15 minute waiting. DAMMIT!! shouldn't have listened to them bitching!! So I had no choice but to write about her. 15 minute waiting for the results and then I passed!! well, so did most of them.

From 19 applicants, the number was now 15. Time for the Second round-part 4 : Pycometrics test. We had to sit for this I.Q test thing and then they would know what kind of person we are. Well, this round was a no-fail round. We all got through and then qualified for the third round. The interview - one on one with the recruitment officer. Well, to cut the long story short, I got through the last interview. Was this another coincidence? I really didn't know.

Just about 10 minutes ago, I checked my email and I got through the application part. Now I have to go for a medical which determines whether I go to Dubai or not. Is this another test of coincidence? Throughout all the rounds, I was not expecting to get it due to not wanting to be devastated if I didn't get through but I did. So now, am I supposed to pass all rounds in the interview? Was I really meant for this job? Or was it merely a coincidence for me to fail at the very last minute so I can be SUPER-DEVASTATED about it?

Many tell me that things happen for a reason. Is this one of it? I really do not know. It's funny how just a simple thing such as a nich to buy papers one day would actually change a lot in your future. Wish me luck for the medical exams. Who knows, it might just be another coincidence.

Finding My Way : Professionalism

2005-11-23T14:08:00.000+08:00

Life at work is constantly measured by the level of professionalism one is able to achieve at their work place. When one gets their personal matters in the way of work, is it as professional as it should be? Or are we simply just humans to let it happen?

For instance, in a recent occurance, I was told three weeks ago that I was to continue serving RTM right after my practical ends. I was unsure of the confirmation due to the verbal agreement and no paperwork was done to support it. I asked again three days before my practical ended. Not only did my superior got annoyed at me for asking again, he got pissed off at me (for whatever reasons I do not know). He told me once I finished my practical, I finish like everyone else. So I am left jobless with no salary for last month.

Things took a sudden turn around due to his inconsistency and also his so-called 'professionalism' at work. Was this a good example of professionalism? How do we know how professional is professional? In other words, what constitutes professionalism at a work place?

Finding My Way : Humans & Satisfaction

2005-11-15T07:57:00.000+08:00

Humans will never be satisfied with whatever they have. This is one line that I would strongly agree to. It is bewildering to know that humans, well, homosapiens are usually never really satisfied with whatever they have. They always want more.

Ladies who are thin, crave to be fat by eating their hearts out.... they don't gain an inch on their waistline.
Ladies who are .... chubby on the other hand, happens to try all sorts of smilling remedies, exercises, diets, and even go to the extent of vomitting after meals or not even eating at all just to be as thin as the supermodels they worship on screen.

Another example of humans not being satisfied with themselves or what they have would be...hair. If one has naturally straight hair, they would perm it just so they'd be satisfied with their look.
If one has curly hair, they would spend hundreds just to make their hair as straight as uncooked mee hoon.

This goes out to prove that humans are never satisfied with what they have.

Why do these sort of mentality exist in humans? Do they not appreciate what they already have? Do we have to wait for a disaster to happen to make us realize that we in fact really do appreciate our lives and be satisfied with whatever we already have?

Finding My Way : Contradiction

2005-11-09T09:16:00.000+08:00

This poem was written when i was in the midst of getting over the one true love in my life. In memories of my feelings with Wick, this was written for him.

Contradiction
============
sweet words whispered to my ear,
how great an impact they cause,
too much hurt and pain i fear,
is it worth the lot?

questions, plenty, i ask myself,
one or two a day,
wondering if you'll feel the same,
i'll ask you if i dare,

we've spent the last few months,
learning and loving each other,
i wished this would last forever,
but you choose to leave for another,

your heart belongs to another,
but yet it comes to me,
with all the tears and laughter,
why is it you can't see?

i adore you, i admire you,
reasons to why i hang on,
you make me happy, yes it's true,
it only lasts until you are gone,

why is the world so unfair,
as we cannot be together,
you tell me that you really care,
but do you really bother?

please don't leave me,
i don't want you to go,
can't you tell, can't you see?
that i honestly do love you so.

Finding My Way : Principles in Life

2005-11-03T06:30:00.000+08:00

As was in the blog before, I wrote of two principles in my love life. As I have been through life for the past 22 years, I realised that I have been living my life based on the principles I have set for myself. Was it relevant to have such principles? Were we supposed to set such principles and yet ensure that we NOT break them?

Well, for me, I have to admit that I did break two of those principles set for myself in my life. I first broke my principle of NEVER GOING BACK TO THE SAME BF AFTER BREAKING UP when I was with my first love. The experience of bring so in love with the one guy was so fabulous. When we broke up, I swore I would never go back with him. Eventually, after time passed, I realised that my principle was a bit tough on the one guy I ever loved so much. My reasoning as to why I broke my own principle was that he was worth it. He was worth every heartache, every tear shed and every confusion stirred. I guess I reached a point in life now where my principles change to NOT GOING BACK TO THE SAME BF AFTER BREAKING UP UNLESS HE WAS WORTH IT.

As for my second principle, it was NEVER GO OUT WITH A GUY WHO IS IN THE SAME ORGANIZATION/INSTITUTION AS YOU. Well, this principle still remains the same and unchangeable. I have stood by this principle all my life but recently I broke it. I must have had cow dung for breakfast to have broke this principle. Going out with someone not only a collegue but also a superior in the place I work in was not a great idea.

My reasoning as to why this happened was that at that point of time, I was lost in my life. I didn't know where I was going. Now I am finding my way back.

Finding My Way : Principles in Love

2005-10-31T09:55:00.000+08:00

Most people have principles when it comes to love. Why is it that we have these principles? For my case, i guess you can say it is to avoid any complications and also headache.... (heartache is more like it)

1. Do not go out with anyone from the same institution/organization (collegues or classmates)

2. Once broken up in a relationship, NEVER go back!!

For the moment, these are the only two principles I have in love. Well, at least the ones I can think of at the moment...

Finding My Way : My New Place

2005-10-25T07:28:00.000+08:00

After Sept 11 I was a total mess. I didn't want to do anything that was related to my past memories. Everything had to be new and different from before. That was what I thought was best for me. New house, new friends, new things, most of all new life. These were my ways of running away from my problems. I was always the best when it comes to situations like this. I would be the fastest runner around. It was a habit, whenever problem comes, I'd run away.

On Sept 20, I was constantly browsing the Internet for places to stay. I found one on Sept 26. It was suitable for one, and it the rent was quite affordable. After looking at the place for 10 minutes, the landlord didn't have to do much job in convincing me to take up the place, I immediately took out $200 and handed it to him. It was a deposit to keep the place. I wasn't planning on moving or anything but I was so lost that decisions were made with a snap of two fingers without much thought.

After Oct 14, he was around to help me with the cleaning and moving in some stuffs. It was in my mind to stop all confusion and get myself back on track by listing down what I really want in life. I honestly wanted to settle for a serious commited relationship with him. I did the ultimate... I asked him to move in with me.....although I was broke due to the nice sofa and designer dining table.

On Oct 23, he was there, lying on the empty ground in the living hall after a nice hot shower. The thought of sharing this new place with him was absolutely great. Images such as lazing on the couch to watch Queer As Folk, having my famous sphegetthi with him on the dining table, and him working on his laptop on the couch just flashed in front of me. I can't deny that it was a scary thing but at the same time, it was full of hope.

Finding My Way : Sparrow's Wings

2005-10-22T07:46:00.001+08:00

There was once a sparrow,
Who soared up above,
She never stopped soaring,
In her search of love.

She flew like the wind,
Oh yes, she did,
She was never left behind,
"I am the best" she'd always cry.

Then comes one day,
One very unfateful day,
The rustling trees, the howling wind,
Destroying all hopes in mind.

The poor sparrow awoke,
Amidst of the pain,
Not knowing where she was,
Only nothing she has gained.

How do we mend,
This sparrow's wing,
So we can send,
This sparrow to fly again.

Finding My Way : My Past Love

2005-10-19T11:57:00.000+08:00

I was thinking back on the guys that I dated before and it all started with the one guy who I was devastatingly in love with. He will always be my one true love.

Me :
I was labeled a 'tomboy' in high school. Was it true? Well, I was not really into make-up and all the things that normal girls would talk about, like boys and nail polish or even Brad Pit. I was more into basketball and climbing trees and fighting with boys. I never really had any crush on boys, and i came to the conclusion that something must be really wrong with me. Everyone else had raging hormones and were talking about kissing boys and making out, when i was merely watching wresting on tv and playing roughly with the boys. The girls would talk about the boys they were in to but never spoke a word to them. For me, it was more like clinging an arm on their shoulder and was treated like one of the guys.

How it started :
We were close pals when we were in high school, wresting, punching each other, doing typical guy stuffs.

We talked on the phone one night, and the conversation lasted 4 hours. That was the night he told me. Only after 3 years we found out that we did feel a little chemistry for each other from the start but never fessed up to anyone. On my side, I had kept this secret to myself for the whole 3 years and he, well, he never told anyone. He had to have a great friend to tell him that he was in love with me. It took him a while to realize that his friend was right all along. He fessed up to me. I was flattered but then in my head, i was confused. Should I have kept quiet about how I really felt about him and just kept things the way they were? Was I willing enough to give up my so-called boyish character to have something called a 'relationship'? Would I loose him as a friend?

I did the most insane thing that anyone could have done. I fessed up to him. He was the one guy my other girl friends have been eying on. Most of the girls in my high school wanted to date him because he was cute, but was I one of them? I was attracted to him for his personality, not his looks. I thought it would last for a lifetime, like any typical girl would. Though he may not have satisfied me sexually, it was his companionship that made the relationship lasted. It lasted for a year plus. We broke up due to some blurry reasons. After that we had not spoken to each other for almost two years. I lost weight and left for KL. He continued his studies and his life in Kuching. After two years, I came back to Kuching and had finally prepared myself to call him. I gathered all the strength in me to finally dial his number, wished him a Merry Christmas. I didn't know what else to say.. i blurted out the words "Would you like to go for a drink?", then I panicked.. Why the heck did I say that? Why did I ask him out to see him after not talking for two years? The two years were hard for me to forget him.. and now was I bringing trouble back by meeting him? Would I fall for him again? I was hoping not.. I knew i was able to be strong and not let anything get in my way...

The day came :
He came to pick me up. He had two girls and another guy with him. They were chinese and thin. I was filled with strange emothions, jealousy, anger, and also not forgetting how much i missed him. He brought all of us to some tea shop for a drink. I asked him for a cigarette and that was my first time asking him for a cigarette because I was very much into opposing his smoking habits when we were together. After a few uncomfortable hours with the chinese lot, he sent them home and we talked.

It was time for me to go home, and instead of sending me home, he took a detour and brought me to a Chinese fortune-teller (bomoh). I was shaking on my seat as the whole experience was scary. There was a shrine with red dim lights and statues of the Chinese Gods. This guy walks out with huge beads on his neck totally possesed and sounded strange. I was scared out of my witts. I nearly ran away. He pushed me back in my seat and told me everything was ok. How was it ok when this scary dude was possesed and it was already past midnight? What if the dude was so possesed and the Gods wanted to punish me for escaping classes? he calmed me down by massaging my shoulders. We went in the 'booth' and the dude was telling me about how i still felt strongly for this guy. I was embarassed as I didn't want him to know. But then things made a turn when the Gods told me that this guy felt the same for me as well. I was like "HaHa to you back!"

The time came :
We spent that night talking about what the Gods said to us..focusing more on about our feelings for each other. We got back together that night. To cut the long story short, we were together for one month only and had to break up because we were better off as friends. But i still do have a place for him in my heart, a very special place.

Finding My Way : The Mystery of Life

2005-10-19T09:41:00.000+08:00

Life is full of mysteries. Humans usually would do all sorts of things to enable themselves to know the future of one's life. Take for example;

1. Astrology
2. Palm Reading
3. Fortune Telling

Why would humans believe these sort of things which are not factually proven? Is it because we want to believe or that we have no choice but to believe due to our curiousity?

We may be alive and kicking today but who knows we might drop dead five minutes from now. We cannot tell the future, but what if we could? Would things be better because we are able to avoid things that we wouldn't want to happen? Or rather would we plan on ways of achieving the things that we want. Could humans bear and compromise with the fact that we cannot fortell the future? If humans do, then why the existance of astrology reading and palm telling?

As mentioned above, life is full of mysterious ways and things. Would we deceive the plan and act of God or Nature by playing God ourselves?

Finding My Way : Pride

2005-10-19T01:21:00.000+08:00

I realised that many things in life can be affected by a person's pride. Be it the person you are looking at right now or be it yourself even. When one goes through life constantly being praised and complemented by others, it has become a habit for them. But when this person encounters another who is not like the others, who does not praise them as often but then keeps in the heart because of their pride, he himself has too much pride to be with the other.

Is this true? This pride that we all have, it is disasterous. If you are with the person you are in love with, would pride get in the way of the relationship? Would you allow for it to happen? Would we just shrug away the pride we have just to be with that one person whom we think is worthy enough?

Finding My Way : I don't know

2005-10-14T12:28:00.000+08:00

When problems come, they all come in a huge bulk. They do not come in little packages. As for me, the reflection from all incidents since Sept 11 has fucked up my mind a lot. Why i did it? The simple answer " i do not know". Although it has broken my heart, I still didn't know why it happened.
To that special someone who has given everything to me and willing to give up everything for me, please know that I do care for you, I do love you but I am not in love with you. I am sorry. The number of times I had to apologise because of the decisions I made and also the things I have said. Yes, I know it hurts the other party, but has the other part thought, it hurts me too? It hurts me more to know that that someone who was once special cannot be that someone whom she once met and knew before.
He blamed it on Wick, a guy I once was very in love with. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was in love with Wick still, maybe he didn't think that I knew that Wick and I wouldn't work out and that I know in reality that me and Wick will never be together and that Wick still has a special place in my heart. Did he know that? I didn't think so. Someone once told me, if you really love the other person, you will learn to let them go. Another goes along the lines of, The person who loves you the most may jus be the person who breaks your heart by not being the one to say "I Love You". Were those two wise saying true? I don't know. What is it that I am doing now?
Ever since Sept 11, I have been thinking of ways to move on.
1. I decided to shift out from my old place.
2. Decided to have new ring of friends.
3. Tried to accept him as a friend.
4. Trying to get new furnitures, new clothes, new things.
Are these simply ways of me trying to rid my old self and be new self? i don't know. I am currently seeing someone but it's not really on a serious note. Never had sex even. Do i love this new dude i am seeing? I don't know.